a friday quote: the white tuxedo

Conan O'Brien has been in recent news because of his new gig with The Tonight Show. I'm reminded of some intriguing thoughts he shared with the Harvard graduating class of 2000.

Needless to say, I took a lot of criticism, some of it deserved, some of it excessive. And it hurt like you wouldn't believe. But I'm telling you all this for a reason. I've had a lot of success and I've had a lot of failure. I've looked good and I've looked bad. I've been praised and I've been criticized. But my mistakes have been necessary. Except for Wilson's House of Suede and Leather. That was just stupid.

I've dwelled on my failures today because, as graduates of Harvard, your biggest liability is your need to succeed. Your need to always find yourself on the sweet side of the bell curve.

Because success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.

I left the cocoon of Harvard, I left the cocoon of Saturday Night Live, I left the cocoon of The Simpsons. And each time it was bruising and tumultuous. And yet, every failure was freeing, and today I'm as nostalgic for the bad as I am for the good.

So, that's what I wish for all of you: the bad as well as the good.

Fall down, make a mess, break something occasionally.

And remember that the story is never over.

pinball

Ever feel like you're merely rolling through life?

Without a vision - a purpose for waking up each day - you are a pinball. The next push from any direction will make you start bouncing around, purely out of reaction. And as you spin around and ram into things, you will undoubtedly feel sick... don't be surprised at this.

One choice is to come up with a vision, something that many people will tell you that you need for your life. This is why leadership conferences do so well, why Tony Robbins is still making money, and why self-help books fly off the shelves.

Only those self-help books don't work. If they did, we wouldn't need them anymore. Only people keep buying them, from one "Secret" to another.

This is because true vision cannot come from within you - for if it does you are still the pinball. Or more clearly, you are simply a pinball with a magnet inside of you. That magnet is deceptive, because in many ways you may feel like it is guiding you... sometimes you will be attracted to things, and other times you will be repelled by them. But at the end of the day, you're still a pinball that is reacting, trying to bounce around without any "beyond you" perspective... and your life will still feel quite dizzy.

Vision for your life must come from a place of revelation - Someone who sees your life from ground level (as you do) as well as the birds-eye view (which you do not). If you listen to such a Voice, only then can you (even if only for a brief second) see the big picture of what you're bouncing around in.

Only then can you tell if you're heading toward scoring points or losing your turn.

Only then can you avoid the flippers and run a straight path toward your True Destination... the one where you help release all the other locked balls and let the potential for scoring points truly take off.

Pray for your life to have more than human-sized vision...
pray for it to have a God-sized revelation.

Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but blessed is he who keeps the law. (Proverbs 29:18)

a friday quote: our deepest desire

I like sharing a quote that has shaped me or is shaping me. Here's one from Nelson Mandela, used in his 1994 inaugural speech.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

too much, too little

There is simply no excuse for not giving your best to something.

Even when there is a "lid" in your life, from a tough work environment to a personal limitation, you can still give your best.

Whatever your leadership task is - caring for kids as a parent, investing in the church you call home, making sense of the goals and relationships in your workplace, bringing your best to that activity you coach or the team you take part in, studying hard to maximize your education - you have the chance to really maximize an opportunity to bring out God's best for those around you.

You have to chance to be fully faithful... nothing more, nothing less.

We're all aware of how easy it is to stop short of that for the wrong reasons... but likewise, many of us can give too much for a whole set wrong reasons.

---

You know you've stopped short when...

You "settle" versus "let go." You can't finish every project with perfection. In fact, I find that perfection - where you know there isn't anything you could possibly do beyond what you've done to make something better - is rare. But there is a difference between settling versus letting go. Letting go happens when you were faithful to whatever level you could be, factoring in time, skills, team available, size of project, and so on. Settling, though, happens before the deadline hits... it's giving up before you have to - because you don't push yourself to be yourself.

You "give up" time/resources versus "run out" of time/resources. We all have things to do in our weeks... and then there are the things we don't have to do but like to do. Think of your favorite TV shows, movies, hobbies, and so on - things you "like." Some of these things may actually be "necessary" because they help us build pockets of Sabbath throughout our week, but in many cases we move past the thing that brought us life and it starts to steal life from us. That online or video game you once played for recreation has now become an obsession... that hobby has started eating up your savings... and soon your time and resources are depleted by choice.

You know you've given too much when...

You "pass water" versus "hold water." When you're good at something, you can begin to coast on your skills and charm at the expense of your soul. Soon you become a dry well with a shiny bucket... a water passer instead of a water holder. You won't notice it right away, but if/when that job/role is removed, you'll find yourself with a dry and thirsty life - whether you're an empty-nester who spent 18+ years focusing too much on your kids or a minister of powerful content who has lost sight of the very content you've presented. But the fruit we're producing today looks good, so we assume it's all okay... but did you know that even a branch cut off from its life source will bloom for a short while, even though it's actually dead?

You "copy/paste" when you should "choppy/taste." We live in a world of resources, and so it's easy to pocket someone else's sweat than it is to exert some of our own. We have to devise a better system of discipline that inhibits our quick movement to grab someone else's stuff before we let God grab us. So before you highlight the text to copy and paste, spend some time with the text in your heart... the text that your Creator has imprinted upon you specifically... and then chop it up and taste it. The unique thing you have been designed to serve up should be something you have first consumed yourself... never trust a thin chef.

---

Again, the principle in all of these isn't becoming a workaholic - that's a sign you've gone too far. Nor is it becoming excessively Laissez-faire - that's a sign you don't really care about the things you allegedly care about.

The principle is faithfulness...

and faithfulness to the right things
will change the world in the right ways.

Start acting on who you are,
what you already have,
and the time you have to do it in.

And don't forget to remember your Sabbath...
keep it holy by making it holy.

fixed

I know some of you mentioned you couldn't comment on these posts and wanted to. I noticed I had a permission setting turned on by accident that is now fixed.

Enjoy!

one minute

In recent days I have been slugged at a lot.

I don't share that because I need you to tell me nice things about myself, but because it's true - I have been slugged at a lot. Not just by one person really hard, but by several people in varying ways. It's like the Chinese water torture principle... over time the little jabs from many sources can do more damage than a big frontal attack by one.

Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of letting it get to me. It's like a commander on a battle field who has both feet full of splinters, only he has to keep the battle moving forward. So he has to ignore the little pricks for the sake of the much larger responsibility.

And likewise, I can't fully share the details of who is hurting me and how they're doing it. Some of the people who are being, well... jerks... can I say that? Even if I called them out on it publicly for the right reasons, it would cause others to have to pick sides for the wrong reasons. I am required to have a bigger perspective than that, and while I want to... sometimes that's the hard cross I carry.

The title of this post is "one minute."

Because in all of this I am finding that in every day there is about one minute where this all gets to me. And if you would poke me or jab me, even in innocence, I would turn around and bite your head off - I might even hit you hard and send you to the ground. The frustration and intensity really can become that if I let it.

Keep in mind, it's only one minute, which iover the course of a day full of 1,440 minutes "isn't that bad." I could tell myself that and simply ignore that minute of darkness within, content that it's perfectly fine to have some "justifiable anger."

Or - I could let God deal with that "one minute" until it becomes less than those fiery 60 seconds, whether it completely disappears or progressively is taken over by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Within you today - is there a "one minute" you feel you can justify? Maybe it's "two minutes," or "ten seconds" or "12 hours." You may feel you have every right for it to be there, because you're being poked and slugged and jabbed at by life/people.

Consider...

If your leadership role is parenting, you may bite your kids heads off for no justifiable reasons. Or if you carry workplace responsibility,you will bring insecurity issues into that realm - whether you are working your dream job or feel like a drone. And if you happen to serve in some Church capacity (which applies to every Christian, because wherever you go you represent the Church - like it or not), there is one minute worth of poison in you that must be tended to or else you will spoil the very good things God is up to in your midst.

Trust me on this - TAKE CARE of that "one minute." Bring it before our holy God and let His eternal perspective counteract the temporal one you're stuck in. It probably will require some intentional moments of pulling out those splinters every day, but something tells me that is well worth it to walk with confidence out of the dark as you lead others into the Light.

"See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you." (Luke 11:35-36)

a saturday night email to our lead team

This past Saturday I sent this to our lead team, an amazing group of men and women who are gifted to help Connection Church fulfill it's God given mission and vision. (And when I say gifted, I don't mean gifted to do it by themselves but by empowering the church people as they are gifted.)

A little context - we're six years old and moved into our new facility in September. I hope you realize what we show up for every Sunday as you digest this:

Hey Team -

Tomorrow is our first day in the new building. (Well, not really, but really, it is... every Sunday is our first day in the new building)

We have guests coming, and we need to give God our best... because for some odd reason He enjoys using imperfect people like us to share His perfect love, and someone's eternity is riding on it.

It is up to you to welcome every person you walk by, even if you don't have the time.

It is up to you to remind volunteers why what they do is more than fill a space on the schedule.

It is up to you to reach out to all people.

It is up to you to lead kids into a forever friendship with Jesus Christ.

It is up to you to redemptively love adults into a deeper connection with God.

It is up to you to BE the Church.

Show up on time. Be there for prayer at 8:30am, and let's pray - let's not wait for someone else to do it... let's arm wrestle over who gets to do it.

When it's time to sings songs of worship, engage God - not because you have to stand up and sing but because you have the chance to unashamedly let your love be proclaimed out loud. May it be contagious.

When it's time for opening up the Bible, open yours up... let God speak to you through that great gift.

When it's time to shake hands, look for someone who is falling through the cracks of that moment.

When it's time to hear teaching, don't worry about the person who is speaking - let God speak to you through me or in spite of me. Take notes - write them down, if not for you but for someone else whom you'll share the message with later in the week.

When it's time for you to tithe, drop it into the treasure box and thank Him for what He has provided that we get to take part in.

And when we say "AMEN" and "BE the Church" at the ed, don't be in a rush to leave. Linger - connect - deepen your relationships with God and His Church.

See you in the morning....

Together,

Tony

Connection Church

http://www.connectionchurch.org/

Don't just go to church... BE the Church!

Part of me being a Type B leader means that I remind people of our values - why it is we do what we do. And since some of our lead team are Type A folks, they need that from me. Likewise, I need them to be sure the details get done... but I do need to remind them of "why" the details are important - which means that even though I don't think about details, I need to think about why details are important.

For the record, I was late to our 8:30am prayer time.

And for the record, they did pray without me (which rocked).

(a) + (b) = (c)haos

A little background on the theme of this blog.

The "Type A" and "Type B" personality theory has its origins in the medical field. Specifically, when doctors in the 1950's were trying to describe a pattern of behaviors that were once considered to be a risk factor for coronary heart disease. Since then it's been rethought on that level, and then utilized in every field from marketing to team leadership. In all that tweaking, some categorizations remain that are often used to sum up personalities.

The premise is that "Type A" people mixed with "Type B" people will either become a beautiful thing, or quite chaotic.

"Type A" individuals are often described as list-makers. They "get stuff done" because "stuff needs to get done." Without them, we would have inefficient productivity in business, piles of stuff all around the home, and would never have what we need on trips or emergencies (because they think ahead and keep things stocked). Type A folks keep appointments, can effectively juggle many things at once, can be a dependable "go to" person for big and small matters, and make sure we know how our choices affect the way things are/aren't running.

Some hurdles they face include a temptation to be quite competitive, a struggle to relax when there is work to do, an insensitivity to others, and an excessive awareness of time. A high "Type A" can also become a workaholic who drives themselves to meet deadlines they don't need to meet (but believe they do), causing unnecessary stress for themselves and those around them.

Some Type-A identifier questions:

Am I often wondering, "Should I answer that phone call?"

Can I turn anything into a competition?

Is being seen as a success by other important to me?

Do I get frustrated when people don't do things the "right" way?

When I take part in something, do I find myself counting numbers to see if it was successful?

Am I often looking for the next hill to take?

In contrast, a "Type B" person can often be described as "value-driven." This means they will put the "concept" ahead of the "to do" list, be it making relationships more important than the task, or the integrity of the process over producing a finished product on time. Without them, we wouldn't have the level of art (songs, poems, paintings, etc) in our world for they truly do slow down and perceive life with a unique sensitivity. They also help us value people over things, let loose when we're wound up too tight, and can get a party started and keep it fun for most anyone.

Some obstacles they need to overcome include being too relaxed to be productive, being overly sensitive about others' comments, not wanting to be labeled under any circumstance, and being aloof about permanently correcting behavior that drives others crazy.

Some Type-B identifier questions:

Am I okay with others looking smarter than me?

Do I tend to fly more by the seat of my pants than make formal plans?

Have I found that relaxing comes pretty easy to me?

Do I seem to never have enough time to accomplish my goals?

Am I happy to enjoy the hill I'm on (with as many friends as possible)?

Our nature is to want to be the best of both and never confess the weaknesses of either, but the truth is that you are probably more one of these than you are the other.

In my case, I am a natural Type-B person but a learned Type-A, mainly because I have learned much about God, leadership, and life in Type-A environments. So at times I find myself multi-tasking like a Type-A because "stuff needs to get done," but I am quite careful be sure that the work of God I'm doing does not destroy the work of God in me.

How do you fare on this? If you aren't sure, consider this survey:
http://www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/TypeAB.html

The reason I ask is because you may not be right or wrong in the environment you work, live, or play in... you may simply be different than those around you. Understanding those differences will help bring about the best of both worlds instead of competing for control because one way is "right" over another.

bite-sized

I was reading tonight in Fast Company magazine about people who struggle with cleaning. It's not that they don't want to clean, but that they don't get around to it. And so the piles stay piles and the dirt gets darker and dustier.

The article went on to share about a technique many are being encouraged to try. The person sets an egg timer for five minutes, and during those five minutes they are challenged to give their best burst into the activity until the timer goes off. In this way there is a sense of success, and a natural, guilt-free momentum to continue if you so desire. In many cases, the room/area gets cleaned because the real hurdle wasn't the dirt...

it was the person's own lack of inertia.

This technique has been tried in other ways, too. One woman hated exercising but ended up losing 30 pounds because her doctor told her to march for one minute in front of the TV whenever she turned it on. She thought it was easy and kept it up, all the way to 30 pounds. There are stories of athletes who have achieved such stretchy goals because they played these little mental games to motivate themselves to the next level.

I struggle with this kind of stuff, too. I am by no means a mechanical, structured guy but I do see the need for it in my life. Most notably, I have found some little tricks to help me grow as a Christian and a leader in the area of prayer:

• Once a day, I cycle through my cell phone and pray, "God, who do you want me to call today?" Some of those conversations rock my world - as if they were God-ordained (because in many ways they were).
  
  
• When I'm on Facebook, whenever I see a status update on someone I pray for them... sometimes short, sometimes long, usually medium.
  
  
• If I'm in the gym, I will pause for several minutes and pray for the people around me. I first did this last month and it was amazing how quickly something natural became supernatural.

In addition, I do pray before my meals and night time with my wife. But all in all I really do enjoy these everyday ways to engage the Kingdom of God. I find that it helps me when that tough conversation with someone needs to happen, for in some small way I've prepared for it.

We all need these bite-sized steps to grow into whatever God has put together for our lives. In fact, in doing them we just may better understand what our lives are designed for to begin with.

i am nobody special

My name is Tony Myles, and I am Nobody Special.

Actually, I am. That's an anonymous name I once used to publish my thoughts on life and leadership back when I was first starting out with any sort of responsibility in ministry.

At the time I felt that whenever I'd offer an insight out loud or online, people would first filter it through their understanding of my identity. Perhaps that's only natural, for if we see a famous quote we often add or subtract credibility to it based on the person who said it.

And I didn't want to be discounted simply because I hadn't written a book or was thought of on a national level as someone with something to say.

Over time, though, I've realized that what I've learned and am learning is credible in itself... as one ancient thinker once put it, "All truth is God's truth." (Perhaps by keeping him anonymous, we can best see his point.)

The reason this blog has been started is simple - most of the insights on leadership in our world are offered in a Type-A context. By this I mean most books or conferences you can digest on the topic of leadership are primarily presented for Type-A thinkers, whereas I'm more of a Type-B kind of guy. I'll get more into what "Type-A" and "Type-B" means in an upcoming post, but the bottom line is that I have soaked up so much of each that I'd like to offer a balanced approach... especially for the folks who feel that they just don't fit into most structured thoughts on the "right way" to do something.

So that's the lens I'm looking at as I begin this blog. I will still maintain my other one, Don't Call Me Veronica, which is even more so an expression of my Type-B personality than this one may be. Nonetheless, I believe there are some insights here that simply need a place of their own.

I hope whatever follows becomes a tool in your toolbox, whether you have an official leadership role in the workplace, church, home, extracurricular, wherever... or simply want your life to become something amazing in a way that doesn't feel artificial at the end of the day.

My name is Tony Myles, and I am Nobody Special.

resources

I'm thankful for the opportunity I've had to put down on paper some of the things God has put on my heart. If you're interested, a few of those resources:

• The Real Deal - Interactive Leadership Guide
• Increasing Your Personal Impact - Interactive Leadership Guide
• The Miracles of Jesus

While most of my content on this blog will be out of convictions formed in my heart and/or things I am currently exploring, I would misrepresent myself if I didn't give credit where credit is due. Beyond God (of course), I'd like to thank the following people for their contribution into my understanding of leadership, including how you can benefit from them as well:

• Dan Webster, Authentic Leadership Inc.
  
  Dan was my youth pastor and through his teaching/life introduced me to Jesus Christ. Our relationship was in a large ministry (2000+ high school students), so we really never bonded until after I graduated high school and began to intern in the program he was leading. Later, we formed a more active friendship and I have been blessed by his mentoring on so many occasions that I've lost count.
  
  The thing on Dan's heart is simply that - the "heart" of leadership. If you are interested in knowing more than the "right thing to say" but becoming the kind of person who is about the "right things," I'd encourage you to check out Dan's many resources and begin your journey in an authentic place.



• Bill Hybels, Willow Creek Community Church
  
  I'll be honest - some of my greatest lessons I've learned from Bill Hybels, senior pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, came about by cleaning his office. I was a third-shift janitor (part-time, just out of high school) and gleaned much from the intentional way he sought to give God his best. I won't go into details on this, but I will say that you learn much about a man by what he does and doesn't throw away in the trash can.
  
  Obviously, Bill is known for greater things than what I am mentioning. Accordingly, you should check out the WCA web site for more info his leadership resources. Bill is a high Type-A, but don't hold that against him... he seems to be getting the job done.



• YouthSpecialties
  
  When I was trying to gut out an effective ministry to teenagers in a variety of contexts, I came across this amazing community of dangerous wonder... thinkers, feelers, activists, contemplatives, and so on who believed that there was more than one "right" way to help the church have the healthiest future possible - all by loving God and loving students. Had YS not entered my life when it did, I might have thrown in the towel on more than one occasion. The National Youth Worker Convention has saved my sanity, spirituality, and strength when all three had dropped below "empty."
  
  I am thankful the time I've spent with three of the key leaders in YS - Mike Yaconelli, who once told me (in love) to shut up and start listening; Tic Long, whom I've appreciated in all the energy he put forth into the conventions; and Marko (Mark Oestreicher), who in recent days has become a sideline friend whom I feel an active burden to pray for... mainly because his hands are on a key steering wheel that can potentially bless the future of Christendom, and I am confident that his heart is in the right place.



• Rob Bell, Mars Hill Bible Church
  
  While Rob Bell has his groupies and his critics, I simply consider him a breath of fresh air during a time in my life that I needed much oxygen. The community he helped form called Mars Hill Bible Church in Grandville, Michigan blessed my family in numerous ways, and the sideline conversations he and I have shared in person and electronically helped me realize that I wasn't insane after all... sometimes Type-A and Type-B people are not as evil as the other thinks.
  
  Rob's big contribution these days is most notably Nooma videos, and he absolutely upset the apple cart with his book Velvet Elvis. Again, I'm not a groupie and encourage you not to be either. I don't agree with Mr Bell on a few things, but I do appreciate the conversations he's helped stir up.
  
  
• Joe Seaborn, Larry Mitchell, and Bud Bence
  
  These three gentlemen had profound influence on me in college, and to this day I keep this picture close by for a reason. It's not for that reason, though... it's because these guys taught me some lessons through some hard stuff in their lives. Nothing more needs to be said than that, but I wanted to post this here for that reason.
  
  

contact info

Tony Myles
tony@connectionchurch.org

Personal blog: http://dontcallmeveronica.blogspot.com