fanning the flame

If there was more courting in marriage, there'd be fewer marriages in court. 

The research proves it.

Fan the flame of what God intended a husband and wife to offer one another, and perhaps marriages will become all that we criticize they aren't.

That includes whether you're married or can speak into the lives of others who are... they don't need yet another person riffing on them for "the old ball and chain" - they need a friend who will encourage them to honor their vow "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, to love and to cherish, as long as they both shall live."
"Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband." (Hebrews 13:4a, The Message)

hold your tongue... yeah, you


The tongue weighs practically nothing,
but so few people can hold it. 


It has less to do with self-control and more to do with what we stuff inside of us that eventually comes out.

So if you're cranky, angry or come across that way, perhaps it's time for some fresh ingredients... otherwise you're going to keep serving up the same old meal that makes everyone else want to spit it out.
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." (James 1:19-21)

confessions of a pastor - pt 4: my sifting (a.k.a. 3 years + 3 minutes = 3000)

Here's the math: 3 years + 3 minutes = 3000.

I'll explain that in a moment.

First, a confession... I have a messy work history.

This wasn’t something I planned on, and I actually had an incredible experience in my first leadership role. I became a Christian in one of the greatest student ministries in the country, eventually taking on an internship after graduation. This “leadership lab” helped me understand the calling God placed on my life, but it also became both a pillar and a hindrance to the ministry that followed.

Sometimes after a great experience you expect that everything that follows will be equally as great.

Not everyone understands how professional ministry roles work, but the bottom line is that every Christian is called to be a minister. The role of a pastor is designed by God to "prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up." (Ephesians 4:12). People in full-time professional ministry often have a unique journey that leads them to understand this calling - for me it was a mountaintop experience, and I mean that quite literally. That's another story for another time, though.

I only mention the calling because it is often what keeps you sane when life gets insane.

I've certainly had such moments, including a defining time when I was pushed out of a role in a church by a pastor who felt success was measured differently than I did. I disagree with his thoughts even to this day, but the bottom line is that God called me to that church and I couldn't leave because it became inconvenient.

After all, following Jesus means following Jesus.

What began was a process that included me being professionally humbled and crucified in that context, then later having to sell my house and move my family in with my in-laws, eventually taking another hill to plant a church (that was squelched by denominational politics), and finally to a place of busyness where I worked four jobs just to stay afloat.

I got angry with God. I grew jaded toward the church. I wrote blog posts as therapy.

That season of life lasted three years.

Then it happened – my heart began to weep over the larger Story versus merely my own. Every pretense I had about God, others, and myself was stripped away. As this unfolded, I began to see the kind of faith Jesus had in the Church, and if He had that kind of faith in us how could I not do the same?

I stopped asking the question, "What's next, God?" or "When will you put me somewhere useful?" Instead, I began to offer myself to Him each day and inquire, "Show me who to love today, God" and "Let me be useful wherever you put me." Along the way, it seems, I became such a tool in His hands.

Perhaps that's why I was given three minutes this past weekend.

I shared this story to a group of youth workers at the Simply Youth Ministry Conference, many of whom I guess needed to hear it. While I actually spoke for more than five minutes (thanks to the permission and generosity of the team who put it together), I aimed for the three minutes I was given to sum up the thought as best as I can - we are called to carry our cross, even when you get shin splints on the climb up Calvary and know the taste of blood in your mouth from biting your tongue to honor God.

Not counting those watching online, the conference was for 3,000 attendees.

None of the math sunk in until my wife brilliantly summed it up for me.

3 years + 3 minutes = 3000.

At least, that was the case for me. Perhaps your math will play out differently.

Speaking of the stage, that may have been a once-in-a-lifetime window for me... and while I didn't crave it, I celebrated the window it gave me to share some hindsight that could help another person's foresight.

Then again, who needs a stage when you have the next person in front of you?


I don't know what you're enduring these days, but I know this - your history will define you or refine you... and the difference is whether you self-righteously hold onto the story of what happened to you, or release it into the One whose Story we get to take part in.
"And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:27)

confessions of a pastor - pt 3: my day (and someone's eternity)

I've put off writing this next post due to some tough stuff I've been sorting through. Last week was full of angst, accusations and apathy that was directed at me. It's hard not to take that personally... what someone says they do "in love" often doesn't feel like love. Sometimes it can spill out of you, too, and I didn't want that to influence this. Know what I mean?

A question I'm often asked is what is a typical day like for a pastor?

There's no accurate way to answer that, which is something of an answer in itself. As I just shared, it can be rough - we live in a world where it's easier to criticize  than construct, and if someone is upset with a church a pastor is usually who it gets directed to. On the other side, because I serve God through a church that is made of people on all different schedules, I have to maintain some kind of flexibility in my day and week:
  • Meetings could happen during the day or at night.
  • I may offend someone if I don't show up for something that is important to them because I have to show up to something that's just a bit more important to someone else.
  • Everyone uses a preferred way to reach me - some expect a quick response back by phone if they prefer to call, text if they prefer to text, Twitter if they prefer to Tweet, Facebook if they prefer to write posts or notes, email if they prefer to email, and so on. I have to utilize a smartphone to keep track of it all.
  • My wife and kids roll with whatever I tell them is happening in my day, trusting that I won't abuse that but will give them equal time and attention at some point in the day. (I'll write more on that in my next post)
  • Someone may get offended, and instead of handling it appropriately vents to others - just to "get some perspective." Suddenly I'm forced to have to clean up a mess that poisons others that could have been avoided if just a bit more maturity and kindness was exercised. 
  • There are a group of leaders I am shepherding and looking for ways to give them progressive ownership of roles and projects. Each is at a different spot than another, so I need to read what God is doing in their life to make the best investment.
  • Somehow I need to be growing with God underneath it all.
As an example, yesterday:
  • 9am: I woke up, not because I'm lazy but because two nights before I was up until 4am on a deadline. The fatigue was still in me.
  • 9:30am: I had a meeting for The Big Day of Serving, a national event I'm the point coordinator and team-builder of. we finished around 10:45am.
  • 10:45am: I caught up on emails from a dozen people who needed something from me "at that moment." One shared something that could affected their entire household.
  • 11:30am: I met with a guy who was seeking some counsel/direction. We had lunch at Fiesta Jalapenos.
  • 1pm: I came home, played with my daughter in her toddler world.
  • 1:15pm: I sat down to work on my computer and get a project done.
  • 1:20pm: I received a call from a neighbor/friend who left his plane tickets at his house, and drove to meet him half-way to Cleveland so he could get his plane tickets and make his flight. 
  • 1:45pm: While waiting, I caught up on emails, texts, tweets, notes and voicemails via my phone.
  • 1:55pm: Drove back from that drop-off, and turned the radio off. Spent time praying and seeking God on the car ride.
  • 3:30pm: I took my youngest son to music lessons, and chatted with one of our Lead Team members who teaches him. I also chatted with a former church attender who had her son there. In the middle of those conversations, I crammed in some work on my laptop in between it all.
  • 4pm: Sat down to work on the project I sat down on earlier. Got an email from someone whose marriage is in crisis. Had to defer the project again to focus on what was more important.
  • 5pm: Turned the phone off. Ate dinner with the family.
  • 5:30pm: Drove my oldest son out to test for his karate belt. I've been in the class as well but couldn't test because I've not had the time to train/prepare for the next belt. I planned to get some work done in the off moments of the class (since I was a spectator), but it didn't feel right - my son needed to know I was watching him, and I had relationships to build in the class.
  • 7:40pm: Drove my son home. We talked about everything from karate, God, comic books, the Bible, and more. The phone rang, but I didn't answer it.
  • 8:15pm: Had a meeting at the church building with our Resource Team. HOLY CROW - some amazing stuff is happening!
  • 10:15pm: Came home... caught up with my wife... glanced my emails... we talked about watching the last twenty minutes of NBC's "The Voice" until I realized we'd already watched it two nights before. 
  • 11pm: Responded to two things that needed my attention. I then tabled several to-do list items for Friday and went to bed.
Now... here's the cool part - ALL of that means something. I don't mind a busy day, especially when it's full of purpose. I count it a privilege to be able to invest into my kids and drive them places, as well as to put down a project to help someone with their marriage. It also means something to me when I can look at my wife and kids at the end of a long day and know that we're on the same team.

I might also mention that at the end of the day, I had the chance to read this from someone I met with yesterday: 
So a funny thing happened today..... I walked into a Fiesta Jalapeño’s to have lunch with this guy you may know. He's kind of quirky, but ohhhhh can he speak to you.  I had FB’d him and asked if he’d meet me for lunch and walk with me for an hour or two (metaphorically speaking of course), as I wanted to go on a couple hour journey with him, spiritually.

So I, a stumbling man, whose scripture knowledge is at a level of a 6-year old and whose life seems to be crashing before his eyes, asked him questions I had been pondering over the last few months of my spiritual growth. I told this guy what I'd accomplished so far, what I was doing currently, where I wanted to be and just how hell bent (no pun intended), I was on building a strong spiritual core within myself. 
I spoke to this guy – he listened – he listened well. I exposed some of myself to him – SHAME, HURTS, SINS, IMORRALITY, and more TOXIC SHAME. The more I let spill out the harder it was to hold in. You see the funny thing about TOXIC SHAME is you have to feel it to heal it! 
So this guy just listened and gently pointed me to a spot I needed to be at but just wasn’t finding on my own. You see this guy knew. He knew.

This guy…. you see gave me an AMAZING gift to day. The gift of GOD’s salvation. Right there at a Fiesta Jalapeño’s.  WOW!!! I’m proud to stand up and say, I have turned my life over to Jesus Christ. What a feeling you get on the inside when you receive this gift from the outside.

I want to thank “that guy” – Pastor Tony Myles

Thank you Tony

William
P.S. I heard Tony saves people at all kinds of restaurants, Waffle Houses, Burger Kings…etc  Oh, Dairy Queens too.
Now that's what it's all about. Someone's ETERNITY - not just their life, but what happens after their life here is over - is forever changed because I made myself available and others make that possible by supporting the work of our church financially and prayerfully. Obviously, Jesus does the saving... we just let ourselves be used. But to borrow a phrase from Hannibal Smith (yes, from the A-Team), "I love it when a plan comes together."

Here's another - for me, and for you (because YOU are a minister to someone as well):
"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Colossians 3:17).

confessions of a pastor - pt 2: my friendships

At the risk of how this may come across, I'm going to share a link with you: http://everyonescalledtoyouthministry.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/real-stories-from-symc-29/

Admittedly, I was caught off guard reading this. The guy who wrote it is someone I'd consider a growing friend, but I wouldn't have expected such a write-up. Given the fact that I read it on my phone while multi-tasking, I had to stop and let it sink in.

It felt like someone sprayed some Living Water on a part of my inner world that I didn't realize was dry.

What's weird is that I do get encouraging feedback from people and even received a handful of it recently:
  • "Keep doing what you do man - the love of God radiates off of you like no one I've ever seen before.  100% genuine.  You have no idea how much people appreciate that genuine quality you have."

  • "Tony, you kick my butt and somehow I find myself thanking you instead of kicking you back."

  • "I just want to truly thank you for all the times you have taken the time to answer me. I know you have so many things that demand your time, like even teaching today. You are doing an awesome job and surely helping many to find Jesus. I hope you always know how much you are doing and giving. God bless."
Huh. "Could be worse," right? I know... I have a phenomenal church around me.

And yet... some days it slides off. It's like I'm trying to hang onto the positive people and words of affirmation, but it slips away right as I try to grab it.

What if the reason the write up I referenced  meant so much is that it came from someone who doesn't live near me, attend my church or demand any responsibility from me due to his needs or our history? Maybe that's why I unconsciously elevated it today over those other compliments from those in my more direct relational circles.

Or maybe it's because I'm constantly taking hits from within my direct relational circles, too... tough stuff that piles up as real/false accusations or fair/unfair burdens. I can become the poster boy for what people are dissatisfied with in their church. If someone offends them, they don't just avoid that person's phone calls... they avoid mine, too. I regularly live in that tension of "So-and-so might flip out over this."

Then there's the aspect of my job that makes things somewhat transactional or service-oriented. As a pastor I know that people are looking for something - perhaps insights, guidance, an example or more. Even when people have offered to be a friend to me, they naturally struggle with not seeing me through the lens of my role. I've had some offer to do that for me and tell me they can be "that friend" who "I can be real with" or who "won't see me as a pastor," but I know better... and they do, too. Let me explain.

Imagine you have a friend who's a plumber. You probably don't think about it when you're hanging out, but when your basement pipes burst your brain can't stop thinking about how your friend is a plumber and may have an insight for you on how to fix your problem. A pastor's role is constantly like that because we're trying to help people follow God in every area of their lives - heart, soul, mind, strength and relationships.

So even if someone believes they can handle me being "simply Tony," I'll still be the plumber/pastor when questions or needs arise.

Again, I'm totally okay with that. It is my joy and privilege... I wouldn't trade it for a million dollar check.

But maybe it helps you to understand it.

One more example... what if I cursed right now? Total profanity, coming out of my mouth. I almost did for shock value - but it's not worth it because some would roll their eyes in disgust that I am setting a bad example. Others would raise their glass and say, "Heck, yeah! That's what I want in a pastor - someone who's not afraid to swear!"

But you see what those both have in common, right? They both factor in that I'm a pastor - even the carefree attitude that celebrates the profanity can't discount who it came out of.

There's one other challenge I face relationally, too. In fact, it's tempting on one end and frustrating on another. While I don't seek or try to manipulate this, if I please someone as a friend they may come to the church I serve and possibly even rally others to become a part of it. In contrast, if I tick someone off, they don't just leave my friendship - they leave the church. If I really tick them off or if they're immature in how they handle it, they may dump it out to others in person or online.

People may be coy about it... they may disguise it with spiritual-sounding words like "God has called me out of the church" or hint about who/what by saying "Some people..." but they'll vent. Or if they like me, they'll tell me how I'm so much better than "Some other pastor..." from their past. I appreciate/need positive feedback, but  have to be careful to not even let compliments sway me (which is why I wrote about this a while back).

And if someone does leave the church, they take their household with them - their kids plucked out of friendships with my kids, their teens plucked out of youth ministries, and their friendships plucked out of others in the church (or, worse - they sway those friendships to feel/think as they do). That affects the Kingdom of God, too... all because of how I might or might not come across. It's just that crazy sometimes. So I do my best to minimize this, not by being fake but by being as proactive as I can in my friendships.

Again, no complaints in comparison to why I'm doing it... just sharing information. It does get to me at times, and I'll write more about that in a few days.

Then again - maybe I am doing more than sharing information. (That's not a hint - I find myself ending this post legitimately wondering that.)
"Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith." (Hebrews 13:7)

confessions of a pastor - pt 1: introduction

Recently I shared a message at the church I serve that covered a topic someone was curious about - "What's it like to be a pastor?" I really struggled with working on the message, primarily because I wasn't sure what they wanted to know, nor did I want to turn a sermon into a rant or reality show.

But it did get me thinking... is it valuable for people to know what  it's like to be a pastor?

On one hand, I'm not sure how this kind of confession would be received. If I do share some of the struggles I deal with it may be easy for someone to say, "Tell me about it! Let me tell you about MY struggles!" I know there's a lot of real pain out there, and hearing about one person's "broken arm" may not sound all that bad if you have two "broken legs."

On the other hand, there is a world of insight that not a lot of people realize about being a pastor. I've heard doctors talk about how they hold someone's life in their hands... I have friends who work in investment firms that hold people's retirement funds in their hands... and so on.

I only wish my job was that simple. I'm dealing with the eternities of the people I see every day. If I'm a jerk or have an "off-moment," it may be the final straw that turns someone off to churches, and potentially Christ Himself. In fact, given today's social media outlet they just may rant to everyone they know about how they think a "pastor is supposed to act."

I don't have the luxury to rant. I don't have the freedom to chew someone out. I don't have the time to waste to do frivolous things that only lead to another trophy on the wall.

Sure, I share my feelings. Sure, I stand up for the things that matter. Sure, I have things I do to enjoy life.

What I mean is I have given up making my life about my reactions, politics and hobbies in order to enjoy the privilege of leading people into a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ.

That trade-off may be difficult, but I'll take it every time.

Every time.
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:11-13)

(More coming.)

a simple thought about the simply youth ministry conference

I used to be a conference junkie.

You know the drill – discover your favorite superhero speakers, and then search the Web and every oversized postcard that came in the mail for the last names Hybels, Chan, Webster, Giglio, Ortberg, Bell, Tomlin, Crowder, and so on. If you don’t yet identify, substitute one of my names with your personal larger-than-life speakers.

Maybe that’s why I found myself compelled to move from the back row to the front row. After a while, I was even backstage… at times it was even officially asked for. Over the years I’ve been everything from a conference blogger, convention pastor, seminar speaker and an official-yet-unofficial encourager. When the national economy tanked a few years ago, I even became thankful for the ability to see a conference via streaming video... I couldn't get enough.

Perhaps it was too much all at once. Maybe I ended up hearing the same speakers give the same messages in different venues. It’s possible that the seminar topics actually did recycle year after year.

All I know is that I hit a wall. I somehow shifted from enjoying conferences to predicting them. I’d see friends every year through these events, but we all seemed to be busied with a task or taking notes from the next speaker that even our time hanging out seemed “offline” from the official schedule. It was as if I was cheating on the investment I’d made with the conference, like dining at Outback Steakhouse but taking a break to grab an ice cream cone in between the appetizer and the main course.

Then there’s this year – I’m a part of the Simply Youth Ministry Conference, taking place in Louisville, Kentucky on March 2-5. Honestly, I’m drooling as I wait for what’s ahead because for the first time in a long time I’m completely excited for a ministry convention. There are some incredible speakers and worship leaders who are headlining, but what geeks me even more is the way relationships are weaved into this weekend. Instead of having to generate connections on the side, they’re happening at the core of all that’s going on. Somehow this makes sense, because while taking great notes is helpful we all need people who “get” us to bounce such insights off of even after the conference.

Make no mistake, this is a conference for student ministry. There will be hilarious fun and celebrations, as well as powerful insights into youth culture. Jesus Christ will get the spotlight, and His people who serve in the trenches will get refreshed with a fresh breath while being taught how to "breathe" again.

For me, though, it’s simply a chance to grow in my relationship with God and my relationships with others. I could be wrong, but I think those may be the top two things Jesus said I need to be doing anyway.

I hope you’ll join me at the conference… I could always appreciate another friend, and perhaps you can, too.

the next billy graham might be drunk right now

I wish I could take credit for this clever title, but it comes from another blog where the writer reminds us to not take for granted the kind of transformation God can do in the heart of someone who is willing to let Him.

I'd also add the next Billy Graham might be a lukewarm Christian...
a hobbyist who is more concerned with their next hunt/run/trophy/collectable....
a hard-hearted pessimiist...
an annoying politician...
a partying neighbor...
a quiet Christ-follower...
an insecure loudmouth...
a absentee spouse or parent...
an atheist who spews venomous words about God...
the list goes on.

Read the original article here: http://www.russellmoore.com/2012/01/02/the-next-billy-graham-might-be-drunk-right-now/

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer." (2 Corinthians 5:16)

a potentially honest look at facebook

An interesting thing about Facebook - we think sharing an update equals being transparent.

Ironically, it couldn't be further from the  truth... just watch what happens when someone pushes back on what you've said or what another person wrote - look at how quickly we call constructive thinking as someone being judgmental, say "You don't understand me! So leave me alone!" or accuse them of being "a hater."

I like Facebook for its potential good, but I do think this graphic says something worth noting:


What do you think? Does being a part of an online social network mean you present a side of yourself to the world but hide the rest? After all, isn't that what most of us do in person?
"There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures."  (James 1:16, The Message)

do you see what I see? who cares?

A friend of mine shared online: "Pointing out someone's flaws doesn't make you any more perfect. I know some people who do this."

People do this for many reasons, but I've learned there are two typical motivations:

1) Insecurity. They reason, "If I can push others down, then I come across as more successful/powerful/better as a person." The problem is this is false logic - exposing other people's flaws may take the spotlight off of yours for a moment, but it doesn't make your flaws disappear. Hence, the cycle continues.

2) Good intentions with bad application. They reason, "We should all be in a better place than we are, so I'll make sure others know what I think they need to be doing." The problem is this is more critical than constructive, but because it starts out with good intentions the person doing it may not see how he/she comes across. Hence, the cycle continues.

The only solution is to receive the genuine grace and genuine holiness of Jesus Christ - not one over the other, but both simultaneously. In this way you will experience unconditional love (so you can give it) and unconditional inspiration (so you can grow). Most of the time critics point out things in other people who haven't asked for it, but this approach makes you the kind of person others want to be like because they see Christ being formed in you - not just you whipping around good standards to impose on others.

This distinct difference can even be overlooked by regular church attenders, which is why we come across as hypocritical to the world. Christianity is surrender to Christ... not just trying to support His standards or be like Him. Many who call themselves Christians try to be what they think God wants them to be... BUT not as many (unfortunately) surrender their whole loves to God - they end up holding areas of their lives back from Him. By keeping that inner world from being transformed, they end up focusing on the "outer world" and try to look the part of a Christian while making sure others look the part, too.

There are a lot of people who are religious and can talk some good "Jesus talk" but haven't yet been born again and transformed. Their blind spot and hurdle is that they think they have.

Jesus often criticized the Pharisees for doing this in His culture. We may not have Pharisees around today, but we sure have those who just ask "What would Jesus do?" and do that alone... so they appear moral. But they don't ask, "God, what am I holding back from You, and how might I give that area over to You,. too? What action step do you want me to sacrificially take next?"

We all need accountability in this. Otherwise we try to be our own eye doctor... with blurry eyes.

No wonder so many of us walk around with "moral glasses" that we've self-prescribed - that only makes everything we see and point out blurry... only we think because we have the glasses on our sight is clearer than anyone else.
And then what happened? Well, when Israel tried to be right with God on her own, pursuing her own self-interest, she didn't succeed. The chosen ones of God were those who let God pursue his interest in them, and as a result received his stamp of legitimacy. The "self-interest Israel" became thick-skinned toward God. Moses and Isaiah both commented on this: Fed up with their quarrelsome, self-centered ways, God blurred their eyes and dulled their ears, Shut them in on themselves in a hall of mirrors, and they're there to this day. David was upset about the same thing: I hope they get sick eating self-serving meals, break a leg walking their self-serving ways. I hope they go blind staring in their mirrors, get ulcers from playing at god. (Romans 11:6-8, The Message)

a new year of new living: the landowner

I wrote this parable more than 15 years ago, and happened to share it this past Sunday. On the heels of my previous two posts, here is something to read and ponder in your own life.

---

The Landowner

A man naively and arrogantly purchased a new house. It was on an expansive piece of useful farmland, which he reasoned was an impressive addition to the great deal he had haggled for on the house. All of this on paper seemed like a great idea... except this man was a businessman and not a farmer.
 This new landowner decided to use his free time to work out in the fields. He got up early on the first Saturday morning he had free because he'd heard that’s what farmers do. With a canvas bag of tools over his left shoulder and a “Farming For Dummies” book in his right hand, the man walked out into the farmland like a quarterback about to take the field.

Four hours and four-hundred callouses later, the man determined "that" was enough "of that."

So the great piece of land sat out there, empty and barren. Each day the man would get up to go to work and drive past its expansive emptiness. A nagging guilt set in, for as a businessman he knew it was more than a wasted field - it was a wasted profit.

Perhaps that's why one day he sat down and devised a new plan to put the immense field to productive use. He divided the land into several slots to rent to outsiders needing a place to plant their items. They would pay back to the him, the landowner, a percentage of the profits they made. It seemed like the perfect plan to address the depression of the undeveloped property.

That is, it "seemed" like the perfect plan. The man still didn’t understand the finer aspects of farming, including the aspects that involved large machinery. He inadvertently divided each section of land in such a way that the various farmers had to literally plow over another farmer’s section to get to their own.

No one realized this at first, as they only knew where their boundaries ended and assumed that paths had been laid out for such an issue. Eventually it all came to a head and fights became common. Farmers that had to get to their areas in the middle would trudge over the other farmers’ areas, and those farmers would react by spitefully doing the same to the middle farmers’ land in order to “get even.”

That year yielded very little in terms of crops. The farmers couldn’t get past their own demands, didn’t want to replant the prospective crops, and consequently gained no profit... a hard financial loss felt very much by the landowner... who eventually called the project a failure. With a complete sense of defeat, he reasoned he’d have to find a way to learn to live with the guilt of a failed project that would stare him in the face every day.

That is, until the day when the old farmer came, knocking on his door step.

“Son,” he said, “Looks to me like you have a problem managing your fields.”

“You’re telling me!” said the man. “It’s just not worth my time.”

“What if I promised you that it was?” hinted the old man. “You could make more than an adequate share of profit by following my plan. That land out there that’s wasting away because you don’t know how to handle it... doesn’t have to.”

This sounded rather interesting to the man, as he was indeed tired of seeing things go to waste. But as all “sharp” businessmen must ask, naturally so did he: “What’s the catch?”

“Well, ‘the catch’ is simply this... you turn land ownership over to me, and I will let you live on the property for free, take care of all expenses, and share with you a profit so great that it will revolutionize the way you live.”

The man waited for a laugh that never came to what he presumed had to be a joke. “Are you kidding me?” asked the man. “You actually expect me to give up MY land for some profit that I can’t see? What if I don’t gain anything? I’ll have lost my property over some bad deal! You must be crazy...”

“I’m not finished,” interrupted the old farmer, “You can cancel the deal at any time. But if you do, you gain nothing except the land back. This is the only condition: you gain no profit by canceling... just the land again, to deal with all over on your own.”

Maybe it was the exhaustion of his failure, or maybe there was something genuine about the farmer. For whatever reason, the man found himself surprised that he was even thinking about it. “So let me get this straight... I give you the land, and I get a huge profit on anything you make on it. But if I change my mind at any time, I get back the land and just lose any ‘profit’ you might make?”

The farmer smiled, “Son, it’s not profit ‘I might make’; it’s profit ‘We will make’.”

"You'll put this in writing?"

"I sure will. But you also have my word."

And as the man looked at the old farmer, he knew there was more to this man than age. There was experience, and confidence out of that experience. “You know what,” said the man, “I have no clue how you're going to do it, and maybe that's why I'm even considering this. With your escape clause, I see no way that I can lose. Besides, you probably know more about farming than I do and can squeeze a few bucks out of this place. Okay... it’s a deal.”

It wasn’t too long before what was a torn and battered field once again became a clean, fertile opportunity for growth. The businessman kept an eye out, and would watch how every day the farmer would come and invest his time tending the fields. At first the business man was skeptical, all the while noting on paper what sorts of changes the farmer was making. Yet the more he looked each day, the more he saw that the field was being shaped into the best it could be, most likely, he assumed, because it was being shaped by the best hands.

When it came time for harvest, the business man anxiously awaited to see what sort of profit he had gained by this investment. And when he did... he was shocked.

“All of it?” he asked. “What do you mean I get to keep all of it?”

The farmer smiled. “I mean that you get to keep all of it, son. All the profits, every harvest... it’s all yours.”

“But that’s incredible! This is more than enough!”

“I know,” shared the farmer. “That was the idea.”

“So what do you get?” asked the man. “Don’t tell me you did all of this for nothing.”

“I’ll tell you something,” said the farmer, “I do gain something. I gain seeing a beautiful piece of property not go to waste. Don’t take this the wrong way, but son... you were destroying this property.”

“No offense taken,” he said.

“Good,” the farmer continued, “because I love farming. I do it well. And after you let me invest myself into developing this land, I was able to take it from a burden to a blessing. There’s nothing like doing what you were created to do because you’re being who you were created to be.”

The business man was amazed. “I have no idea what you mean. I mean, I do... but I've just never known that kind of fulfillment. Just tell me one thing, though... why did you have to take ownership of the land? Couldn’t you just have asked me to hire you? I know I’ve gained so much, but I still don’t get why I had to give up the land.”

The farmer smiled his familiar smile and said, “Son, if I didn’t own the land, the harvest wouldn’t have been even half of what it was.”

Puzzled, the man asked, “Why is that?”

“Son, if I didn’t own it, I couldn’t freely make the adjustments I’d need to in order to shape it up. I’d have to keep checking in with you, asking you if it was okay to make decisions you know nothing about. You’d keep poking your head in, and son... we both know you’re not a farmer.”

“Alright, alright,” said the man. “Just tell me how I can pay you back. You’ve given me way too much for me to just sit around and not do anything for you.”

And with that question, the farmer knew his work had not been wasted. For it was not a field that he had been tending to, but a man’s heart. Every day that he labored out in the fields to produce a profit he would not claim was another day spent ripening the soil of this man’s soul. And the harvest of this kind of crop, a willing heart, would yield more than anything he could produce out in the field.

So with a tender spirit, the old farmer answered the man’s question. “Son, I’m a farmer. I help get peoples’ fields in order. You’re a business man... you help get peoples’ business in order. You have skills and gifts the Lord gave you that others need, just as I had the skills and gifts that you needed. Son, now that your fields are straightened out, you go love your neighbor and help him with what you do best.”

The farmer smiled, turned and walked out of the house whistling a familiar tune.

The man... well, you know what he did.

Because it's what you would do.

a new year of new living: juggling work, home and everything else

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: An expert to change the light bulb, and a beginner to ask, "Yeah, but can you change *two* light bulbs?"

Everyone juggles, even if poorly.

A ball enters one hand, is traded off to another, and is tossed into the air in the hope it’ll be caught again.

This isn't a circus act... this is how you spend your time.

Every day you toss one thing up in the air hoping to gain something else. Perhaps it’s legitimate, such as sacrificing your hobby to gain time at home. Maybe it’s illegitimate, such as a student who cheats for a higher grade, a businessman who lies to make a sale, or a taxpayer who fudges on their taxes for their yearly return.

People try to ignore these differences in integrity by reasoning they’re juggling whatever they can to “survive.” Who wants to think that when their motives are pure that their methods might be impure?

So you juggle. You invest in some relationships and ignore others. Somehow the lines blur between telling people what they want to hear versus genuinely conversing. Every responsibility and opportunity competes for your attention, but to give each the time it demands or deserves requires more than you have.

You eventually find out which balls are made of rubber and which ones are made of glass. At times you feel the satisfaction of having made the right choice of what to toss and what to hold, and other times you deal with a cycle of guilt, anger, jealously, and rejection from trying to do more than you can. Some of the people around you feel fulfilled, and others feel so rejected that even the strongest of bonds and loyalties erode.

In his book "Choosing To Cheat," author Andy Stanley clarifies this issue:
  • Your problem is not discipline or organization.
  • Your problem is not that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule.
  • Your problem is not that the folks at home demand too much of your time.
  • The problem is there is not enough time to get everything done that you are convinced—or others have convinced you needs to get done.
Someone or something is not going to get what they want or need from you. If you stayed at home all day, you’d lose the job that provides for it; if you worked at the office until everyone was pleased, you'd have no time to ensure there was Life in your life; if you answered every call and text, you’d never have stillness in your life. The list is endless and so are the time requirements.

Your knee-jerk reaction is likely to drop all the other balls to save one:
  • The ball that strokes our sense of self-worth, be it a job or hobby that we excel at.
  • The ball that slides into our hand most easily because it relaxes us, be it partying on the weekends or sleeping in for more “me time.”
  • The ball that squeaks the loudest, be it a boss who threatens to fire us or a loved one who threatens to leave us.
All of this tracks back to Genesis 3 when in our attempt to be our own god we created the consequences of difficult work and relationships. Every job requires more sweat than it should, and even the most intimate of marriages will struggle over matters of desire.

So what's the solution? I have bad news and good news.
  • The bad news: There’s no permanent solution on this side of heaven. As you toss one or more balls in the air to grab another, you’ll have to assure whatever you’ve released that being hands-off for a moment doesn't equal being completely abandoned... and only your life (not your words) can affirm that.
  • The good news: You can align your pace of juggling with the priorities of your season. Life is made up of chapters, and each demands a shift to focus on your heart, soul, mind, body, or relationships more than another. A doctor may tell you that this season of your life needs to shift dramatically to increase your physical health, or a spouse may explain that he/she needs you at home more. Again, if you communicate to the other priorities what is temporarily required of you in another, most will understand.
Colossians 3:17 states: "Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." I like the visual of concentric circles to apply this:
  • God: Am I merely religious, or am I truly surrendered? Do I let God readjust what I'm doing emotionally, intellectually, physically, and relationally so everything has integrity?
  • God and my wife: Does the amazing person who knows me best get my best? Are we investing into each other? If we’re in a busy season, how can we not let that define our relationship? Am I doing life with her or near her?
  • God, my wife, and my kids: Do my kids know that my wife comes before them so I give them the gift of a healthy home? Do they likewise feel invested into? When they speak to me, do they see my eyes or the side of my head as I do other things?
  • God, my wife, my kids, and my job: Can I do my job guilt-free because I've spent quality time at home first? Do the people I serve through my job get a consistent, quality burst from me?
  • God, my wife, my kids, my job and everything else: Have I built margin in my life to be available for spontaneous needs and curveballs?
The core priorities in your life are where you are the least expendable - your own life and home, for example. Only you can be you to the people in your life who call you spouse or parent. The latter priorities are where you are most expendable, such as a job that you could change any day.

You'll have to toss different balls in the air during different chapters of life. Just make sure you don't throw someone up so high that they feel abandoned or sent on a trajectory where they won't return to you. You may have to let some "urgent" things drop to ensure the truly important things don't. You can always get another job, but you can’t always get another family. Release and delegate, letting God (and not the squeakiest ball) guide it all.

a new year of new living: yes, no and maybe so - foundational priorities

On the first day of 2012, I spent some time with some of the greatest people I know and we kicked off 2012 together with a focus on one of the tougher questions - what do we say "Yes or No" to in our lives? The answer from the Bible is simple - don't put God first.

Yes, you read that right. To clarify - don't JUST put Him "first."

Often we put the Lord in the "top spot" of our lives, but we don't let Him into the "other spots" of our lives. Jesus said the most important commandment is to love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself.

That means God isn't supposed to just sit at the top of our lives like a cherry, but is the spoon by which we eat the whole sundae of life.

If you aren't sure of the difference, here are a few thoughts:
  • Making money: "Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops." (Proverbs 3:9)
    • God is your cherry: "Look at this money I made! What do I feel comfortable doing with it?"
    • God is your spoon: "Look at the money God blessed me with! Lord, how do you want me to use it, even if it's uncomfortable?"

  • Chores: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3)
    • God is your cherry: "I’m SO sick of doing all this work for everyone else. When will someone serve me? My life is so exhausting. God, give me a break!"
    • God is your spoon:  "God, these chores are difficult. I don't want it to get to me, so thanks for giving me these responsibilities and the people who are blessed by what I do. Help me have a better perspective. Use my work to help You let others know they're loved."
  • Study/school: "The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;the ears of the wise seek it out." (Proverbs 18:15)
    • God is your cherry: "I’ll never use this information in life. It’s worthless to spend any real time on it, so I'll do the bare minimum and that's all. God, get me through this."
    • God is your spoon: "I have no clue why any of this matters, but... I'll give it my best. Who knows - maybe what seems purposeless to me can be used down the road for something purposeful. Lord, I’ll honor You in this."
  • Family time: "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
    • God is your cherry:  "My family time is our time. We’ll watch what we want to watch, go where we want to go, and do what we want to do. Besides, it's a losing battle to try anything different. Everyone needs time to do whatever they want to do without feeling judged or guilty."
    • God is your spoon: "I'm going to make sure our family doesn’t turn inward, even if I'm the only one in the home who feels this way. I will lead my household to enjoy and seek God in our time leisure time."

  • Health/Beauty: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
    • God is your cherry: "My body is my body. It doesn't matter what I put in it or on it. I'm going to show it off - whether it's by how much I can put into it or by how fit I can get."
    • God is your spoon: "Modesty matters. I don't need to boast or get showy about my health, nor do I need to neglect it. This is the only body I have on this side of heaven. God, how can I honor You with it?"

  • Friendships: "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Proverbs 27:17, Matthew 59)
    • God is your cherry: "My friends are who they are. I'm not going to make things awkward by challenging them because they'll just get angry and bite my head off... especially if it involves two of my friends who aren't at peace with each other.”
    • God is your spoon: "What's happening in and to my friends is my concern. I'll be a peacemaker who makes sure people I care about grow and work out anything awkward between them and others."

  • Fun/hobbies: "Then Jesus said to them, 'The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.'" (Mark 2:27)
    • God is your cherry: "I'll work hard, and then maybe I’ll rest. Or maybe I'll make life all about rest and not about work. Either way, it's my decision - and nobody better criticize for me for how I spend time and money on my favorite hobbies, sport/team or how I decorate."
    • God is your spoon:  "God, thanks for loving me and commanding me to take a day every week for Sabbath. I don't want to just rest - I want to be restored to You. So I'm kneeling my life to you on that day and every day, including how I use the hobbies that bring me life. Help me to find fun things that don't distract me from You or others, but build those relationships."

  • Faith: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
    • God is your cherry: "God, bless me."
    • God is your spoon: "God, how can I bless You?"
Of course, we're not perfect in how these tensions play out. The question is if we’ll use that as an excuse or as grace to make things right.

Keeping God more than “first” but “first in everything” opens up a new kind of freedom, for we better know what to say yes and no to beyond our moods. You will begin to do more than what you feel like doing, including the things that need to happen.

Take a look again at the list above - which ones are you most able to take a step of growth in today by surrendering to him in the areas you've been holding back?
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength... Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31)

defining a relationship we'd rather not define

It's common to struggle with commitment and definition of where things are at in any relationship. But how about this one:
Andy and Grace met through a mutual friend. From day one they seemed to be the perfect match. Grace was everything Andy had always wanted. She was beautiful, outgoing, and caring—always there when Andy needed her.


For the first five months they were inseparable. Andy could hardly think of anything but Grace. He didn’t need to look further, he told friends, ‘She’s the one’.


Now almost three years have passed. Andy still enjoys the familiarity of being with Grace, but the spark is gone. Grace’s flaws seem more obvious. He’s not sure he finds her as attractive as he once did. He’s sure there’s a better option out there.


And he’s beginning to resent all the time she wants to spend with him. One night when she asks if they can define the nature of their relationship, Andy blows up. ‘We’re together, aren’t we?’ he asks angrily. ‘Why isn’t that enough for you?’


Obviously, Andy isn’t ready for a commitment. And it’s unclear if he ever will let himself be.
---
You need to know something about the couple.
There are millions of Andys walking around today.
And Grace isn’t a girl. Grace is a church.
- From "Stop Dating The Church: Fall In Love With The Family Of God" by Joshua Harris
Did you see that one coming?

More importantly, did it describe you or a trend you see in others?

Many of us have been just like Andy. We've treated the local church like a someone we want to string along,  keeping a presence there just enough to maintain the relationship, but never a real investment to see the beauty of what commitment could bring out.

That’s because it’s easier to date than it is to be in a marriage – to spend hours with someone at dinner or doing something special is easy. But to make a “for better or for worse” commitment is hard. That means living with them when you're grumpy, they're sleepy, you're sick, they're worried, you're struggling, and they're disappointed.

"Andy" is a perfectionist with the church - first she was all that, and then she was nothing.
  • Some of her faults are really hers. Nobody’s perfect, and the better we get to know each other, the more we learn how much that’s true.
  • Her other faults, however, are more in him than in her. The standards he applies to her he doesn't apply to himself.
Andy just wants to hang on to the relationship for the comfort it gives him, but he’s so independent and critical that he’d never think to commit to her. He’s looking for the best product… but isn’t willing to make an investment.

Is your relationship with your church one you'd rather not define? Or is it one you're "all in" on and putting in the effort to make sure the "family" is the healthiest it could possibly be?

true transparency


True transparency doesn't need to defend itself - not because we believe we're right, but because we are open to how we might be wrong.

We may believe we're vulnerable because we share vulnerable details about our lives; however, unless you are open to correction such "vulnerability" is only another mask.

Remember this before you complain you're being judged or quickly tell someone, "Don't be a hater." Perhaps what you perceive as a false evaluation is simply something you're too chicken to hear.

(Spoken as one who wrestles with all of this on a daily basis. Let's grow through this together.)
"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." (Proverbs 15:22)

relational gift-giving ideas

If you're struggling to come up with something meaningful for a Christmas gift, I'd like to share with you some ideas that in some way increase the relational capacity you and another person could share over the course of a year. Some of these work best with your "special someone," while others can be applied to family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and more. I originally shared these on my other blog, but thought I'd post them here, too:
  • 104 packets of gourmet hot chocolate with personalized coffee cups: Communicate your desire to catch up together at least once a week.
  • Two journals: Each person writes in one for a month, jotting down various things seen in the other person during that time. Take note of any steps of growth they're taking, outstanding qualities, potential blind spots, and so on. At the end of the month, get together over lunch and share.
  • Deck of cards and a book about card games: Use it as an excuse to hang out together.
  • Collage of special photos: Highlight your favorite memories together.
  • Bottle of sparkling cider in a picnic basket filled with wrapped deli cheese and fruit: Make plans to have a picnic together in the next week, even if it's inside.
  • Disposable camera: Devote it for the sole use of capturing future memories together.
  • Craft supplies: Do something creative together.
  • Gardening gloves with a plant or flower seeds: Work on a garden together.
  • Bread or cookie mix: Take turns making each other a round every couple of weeks, or bake together and deliver these treats to friends, family or neighbors.
  • Gourmet popcorn and movie rental gift certificates: Have a movie night every week for a month.
  • Famous BBQ sauce with basting brush: Plan a night to grill out and invite new friends into your relational circle.
  • Pancake or waffle mix with bottle of real maple syrup: Start the day off together with a sweet taste in your mouth.
  • Movie theater gift certificates: Take turns picking movies to see together - no complaints.
  • Board games: Pick selections that can draw all ages in your household(s) together.
  • Identical books: Shop for cheap selections that you can read through together.
  • Kitchen gadgets: Find recipes that force you to use them and cook for each other.
  • Two watches: Pray for each other when the alarm goes off.
  • Colorful Post-It notepads: Give each other permission to leave encouraging notes in unexpected places.
  • Puzzles: Assemble them together over dessert.
  • Pizza and football: Give a coupon/gift card for a favorite pizza chain or snack food with an invitation to a Monday Night Football party.
  • Hobby supplies: Buy an item from a hobby they love (a bat, ice skates, tennis balls, etc) and give the gift with an invitation to GO DO that activity.
  • Cheap sleds and hot cider packets: Promise to go sledding together anytime there’s more than 3 inches of snow.
  • Washable window paint: Use it all year to write encouraging or funny messages to people who pass by.
  • Bowl and notecards: Create a "prayer bowl" where you and your family write down prayer requests and praises you pray over at dinner.
  • Family journal: Use it so anyone in the household can record and recall blessings.
  • “Mad Skillz” certificate: Give certificates for something you're good at, such as "Free Oil Change" or "Free Full Meal," it to bless them.
  • Coupon book: Bind some note-cards full of relationship-appropriate coupons, such as "I will mow the yard" or “I will cook dinner.”
  • Child care punch-card: Create a punch-card for someone with kids that covers ten free nights of deluxe babysitting. Bring a full spread of activities and age-appropriate games so the kids actually want you to come back.
Got any more?
“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?” -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39)

dealing with rejection - pt 2

If by chance you experience tension and rejection from another person or group, you're in good company.

Jesus knows how you feel.

But again, don't stop there and ignore one of the most often ignored commands from God from Matthew 18 - reconcile and forgive. Failing to do so affects people around you and makes the relationship never really feel healed.

Consider what happened to Christ after He challenged His disciples to accept all of the commands He was teaching... to completely consume Him in every way possible, even if it meant the kind of flesh and blood kind of obedience that meant doing healthy things that felt harder than you could imagine.
On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”
Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)
For all the theology in this verse, there's something emotional happening here we may skip over. How might Jesus have felt when people He cared about - faces He knew, and stories He tracked - said, "I'm not comfortable with You or what You're about. Don't look me up anymore, understand?"

The easiest metaphor for me (perhaps because of what I do) is to imagine this was a church. Perhaps the person might say to Jesus, "Your style of ministry isn't meeting my needs. I think I'm going to go somewhere else where I can be fed like I am comfortable being fed. I'll see you when I see you. Cool?"

That has to hurt. In fact, I know it does.

There are instances in the Bible where people part ways, but it's clear that God ideal is that wouldn't happen. So what happens when you deal with some kind of rejection? According to this passage, we see a few things happening here in Jesus' own heart:
  • Grieve: This may seem like an odd step, but it need to be stated. Jesus demonstrates it near the end... there is clearly something emotional happening in His heart, whether it's the acknowledgement of potential loss or an actual moving moment.

    Grieving allows you to spend some time just processing your feelings, and helps you make sure you don't prematurely react out of your initial hurt. But be careful - there does come a point when a lot of people who say "I just need some space" end up using that space to flee from tension instead of pause and move back toward the relationship. So grieve... but don't expect every tear to be wiped away before you reconcile - just let the largest ones dry up a bit.
  • Stay strong: I admire how Jesus doesn't flinch on doing the right thing here. Even with all the pushback, He knows that Truth is Truth and can't be compromised. If you're waiting on someone who's rejected you or won't reconcile, stay mature and steadfast about these values that may not be popular, but are right and true.

    Jesus says in verse 38, “I have come to do the will of God who sent me, not what I want.” There’s a lot of pressure in trying to please everyone. As the crowd grows, there will be more voices clamoring for your attention and potentially becoming offended if you don’t play their hand. One is a much less stressful number.
     
  • Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open. Christ does that here, even though people walk away from Him versus toward Him.

  • Be secure in the Father's Love: There was never any doubt in Jesus' mind about whether or not the Father loved him. The echo of the words of his baptism,“This is my son, and I am really pleased with him,” can’t be underestimated.

  • Journey with those around you who haven't left: Sometimes when I am hurting to work something out with someone else, I forget to invest in the relationships in front of me. Even Jesus didn’t go at it alone. In response to his question, Peter says, “Where are we going to go? You have the words of life.”

    You need people like that. “I’ve got your back” type of people. Some  may even tell you what you don't want to hear, but listen - for such "wounds" from a friend can be trusted.

dealing with rejection - pt 1


Sometimes you just don't get along with other people. Sometimes people reject you.

Crazy, isn't it?

You may be around them this next week at a Christmas party, and those extended family members, friends, or co-workers may flash a smile while they plot their next jab. You may encounter them in the neighborhood because they have different opinions than you do about exterior aesthetics or interior household dynamics. Or it may be people you once were in connection with would rather be disconnected from you.

When my kids have a problem with each other, I tell them to work it out. It's a basic principle... "We're family, and while you may be mad or disagree with each other your relationship is intended for health. So slow down and go work it out. That's who we are, and that's what we do."

As their father, that's my plan for them - and it pleases me when they live it out. I also take action and appropriately discipline them when they don't.

Kind of like how God, our Father, says the same, feels the same and does the same. In fact, Jesus once said through a parable in Matthew 18 that the measure by which we reconcile or don't reconcile will be applied to us.

Have you ever considered any of this when you know you should work out something with another person and refuse to or give up? 

We're not just pushing away a person because we're "tired" of working on something - we're rejecting a command from our Father.

We're pushing back on our Father.

It's ironic how adults seem to ignore this principle more than we encourage kids to follow it. I am constantly amazed at how there are so many commands and teachings of God we accept, but when it comes to working things out with another person we opt for the world's method to "agree to disagree."

The Bible contains only a few instances where people of God part ways, and even these are descriptions of what happened to them and not intended prescriptions for us. It's clear all throughout Scripture that God's ideal is for people to work things out - so what happens when you deal with some kind of tension or rejection?
  • Seek God: Don't ask others for advice or follow your gut. Seek first God and His Kingdom by reading one of the most ignored passages by Christians: Matthew 18:13-35. Then follow it in the spirit of Proverbs 3:5-6.
     
  • Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open.
     
  • Trust in God’s sovereignty: According to Romans 8:28, God can weave anything into a plan that serves His best interest and your good. So basically God’s got your back... and while you can't control what the other person is doing, you can trust that the Lord is working on their heart. What else do you really need?
If you're willing to work at it this, sin doesn't have to have the final word. It may feel like it now, especially if the other person isn't responding. Hang in there.

Remember, Christmas is about God coming near... so don't pull back. Instead, take a cue from Jesus who came to bless those who would curse Him and move toward the person you have tension with - even yet another step - until you're past the high winds of the tornado and in the center where you can find peace.

And if by chance you're the one who won't work things out, the Father does care. Don't be surprised if He disciplines you... be it a "time out" or a "spanking" in some area of life. Why not instead honor Him right now and sit down with a fellow family member whom you have had tension with?
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight."
I have at least one more thought on this. Look for Pt 2 tomorrow.

my personal growth plan... today, that is

I'm often asked a question that I was asked again last week. I thought I'd share it here for anyone whom it may benefit. 

The Question: So what are you doing or reading in order to have an answer (to theological questions that come up) and stay thirsty for God, etc?


My response: That's a tricky question, because my spiritual disciplines today reflect the foundation of my spiritual disciplines in days, weeks, months and years past. In everything I read or engage in, I am seeking four things:
  • How can I increase my awareness of what God is doing in a person/situation/me? (This drives me to become more intimate with the Holy Spirit)

  • How can I identify what is truth, what is opinion and what is a lie? (This drives me to read the Bible, certain books based on what I am dealing with or talking about, and so on)

  • How can I say "YES!" to God quicker today than I did yesterday in whatever He leads me in, even if I don't understand why? (This drives me to become more obedient, courageous and a bigger-than-I-can-see-thinker in everyday things)

  • How can help someone take one more step in God's direction in an area I have no authority in? (This drives me to not rely on my personal channels of authority, such as being a pastor or writer, to do all my evangelism but pushes me into new areas where I have to rely on God?)

  • How can I not only know the facts of what is coming up on the horizon culturally/theologically, but be in a place where I've asked the first and second round of questions about it? (This drives me to make sure I am not just recycling my faith and photocopying my walk with God from year to year)
Some books that have rocked my world with their presentation and/or helped me minister to others this past year:

There are others, of course, and some of it I read to help me know how to serve others. There are some real tragedies in my midst (situations I can't share publicly). I mean, you have to dig deep to sidestep the temptation to spout off cliches or easy answers.

So that's a slice of my life today, but like I said - it takes into account my past attempts to make progress in this area. I didn't know much of anything about Jesus Christ until my junior year of high school. I still feel like I'm playing catch up - maybe that's what helps... I never feel like I know enough.

I know I'll never have this down pat, but I do think God does. To paraphrase Rich Mullins, the Bible wasn't given to us so we can prove how right we are; the Bible was given to us to show how right God is and how the rest of us are just guessing without Him. I'd say that's good motivation to jump into it and do more than read it - rather, let it read us.
But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. (1 Peter 3:15)

the intention for the exorcist

On the heels of Halloween, I'm intrigued by this quote from the writer of "The Exorcist" - the book that the pop culture movie was based on:
"That I am regularly hauled out of my burrow every Halloween like some furless and demonic 'Punxsatawney Phil' always brings a rueful smile of bemusement to my lips as I lower my gaze and shake my head, for the humiliating God's-honest truth of the matter is that while I was working on The Exorcist, what I thought I was writing was a novel of faith in the popular dress of a thrilling and suspenseful detective story—in other words, a sermon that no one could possibly sleep through—and to this day I haven't the faintest recollection of any intention to frighten the reader, which many will take, I suppose, as an admission of failure on an almost stupefying scale. But it's true! … Every [Halloween] I put out the pumpkin with the cutout eyes and nose and face, and the basket full of Snickers and Mars bars beside it; but I do keep wishing—oh, ever so wistfully and—let's face it, hopelessly—that The Exorcist be remembered at this time of the year for being not about shivers but rather about souls, for then it would indeed be in the real and true spirit of Halloween, which is short for the eve of All Hallows or All Saints Day."
—The Exorcist author William Peter Blatty. This October marked the 40th anniversary of his book's publication. And about his inspiration for it, Blatty says, "When I first heard, in 1949, of an actual case of demonic possession and an exorcism going on nearby while I was a junior at Georgetown University, I remember thinking, 'Someday, somebody's got to write about this, because if an investigation were to prove that possession is real, what a help it would be to the struggling faith of possibly millions, for if there were demons, I reasoned, then why not angels? Why not God?'"
[10/28/11]

the unnecessary act of rediscovering hope

Your circumstances may look unmovable and unbeatable.

Your soul may feel like dust.

Your heart may feel like stone.

Your mind may feel like oatmeal.

Your body may feel like ooze.

All of this can cause your most repetitive question to change - no longer do you wonder if there is a remedy as much as you wonder if there is hope, and how you can rediscover it.

I have some Good News.

Hope doesn't need to be rediscovered, for it is never lost.

The real issue is that rough circumstances abrasively create the same consequences as sandpaper - as we are ground up and rubbed raw, the dust begins to fly and gets into our eyes.

We just can't see.

God hasn't moved, nor has He moved the hope of hope.

This is where a church community of people who seek out the Word of God with you is most valuable. When particles of earth's problems blind our eyes, we must rely on the birds-eye view of our Creator. Others who know Him well can see Him and hear Him, translating real words of encouragement into you. Some may get tongue-tied and accidentally offer you a cliche, but their heart is good... and even if you take issue with their presentation, resonate with the vision they have of God that you may be missing out on.

But be warned... some spiritual-sounding people may only add to the dust. The book of Job shows that even the best of friends with the best of intentions may be immature in their faith and advice. Of course, that doesn't matter... for they may be as blind as you, but at least are trying to read God like braille.

The real truth is that hope is still there.

Once again, the real truth is that hope... is still there.
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)