the honest prayer life

It’s just awkward, isn’t it?

“False hope.”

What an interesting combination of words. I heard it recently from our dog’s doctor, and it got me thinking about how we all struggle with an honest prayer life.

Our older dog had been restlessly pacing around the house for weeks. We took him to his usual veterinarian for wisdom, but upon arrival our dog unexpectedly changed his demeanor and bit the doctor’s hand. It wasn’t a nip either, but a full-on, full-teeth defensive act.

Thankfully, the doctor wasn’t wounded beyond a surface-level breaking of the skin.

Still, that was a first for our quite kind-and-gentle-dog. Even the doctor noted that our dog “regretted” biting him.

Apparently, something had changed mentally in our canine. Just like older adults might gradually experience dementia, his way of seeing and understanding the world had become degenerative. It’s likely why he’d been stressed out and unable to find rest anywhere.

The doctor empathetically encouraged us to understand that our dog could act out at home like he did in the office. Our two options were to either utilize medicine a few times each day to temporarily calm the dog’s body, or… set up an appointment soon if we wanted to choose euthanasia.

Our vet also factually stated that this wasn’t going to get better, and if we took the route of medicine we might perceive that everything had suddenly resolved. This, he explained, would be “false hope.”

After the visit, my wife and I had several emotional conversations about it all. We then spoke with our older sons and 13-year old daughter (who loves all animals) about what we were facing, be it caring for him through a potentially dangerous journey in-house, or taking a hard and permanent step.

So… which value was “correct?” More importantly, what ethics about life and commitment would we consequently impart to them based on that decision?

I found myself struggling that night during our usual out-loud family prayer. As I opened my mouth to talk with God, I wondered what “should” spill out.

Specifically, would it be inappropriate to ask for a miracle? I know God invites us to, but would I in seeking it out loud be setting up my daughter to pine for that miracle in an unnatural way?

Then again, isn’t a “miracle” by definition unnatural? Don’t we in seeking God about anything inherently defy the way things are by inviting a larger Story to unfold?

“Should I or should I not pray for the miracle, God?” I dangerously wondered to Him internally, while simultaneously praying a safer prayer to Him out loud.

Ironic, huh? The “false hope” I ended up fearing wasn’t about my dog’s condition, but in what was right for us to expect of God.

Ever been there? You’re trying to be honest as you seek the Lord, but everything inside of you is trying to talk you out of it.

Maybe we need to be honest with why we struggle.

God freaks us out.

We may use nicer words to say that, like how He’s “holy” and “beyond us.” We’ve heard sermons to help us grasp the thought that we can’t grasp His thoughts. We smile when Mr. Beaver in the Chronicles of Narnia allegory describes the Savior-figure Aslan as a lion who should be feared and can’t be tamed, yet whose heart is good.

You know what that means? It means God freaks us out!

Jesus dared His disciples to pray with faith to move a mountain, and yet we stare at our mountain wondering if we should even try. “What if I pray and it doesn’t move?” we wonder. “What might that say about my faith?

Then again, we also fear the alternative. “What if I pray and the mountain does actually move?!?!”

In a church I served in while in college, our senior pastor’s wife developed cancer. Everyone prayed for a miracle of healing, and he declared in service after service that she would be physically healed on this side of heaven. She ultimately wasn’t, though, and entered into the healing of eternity.

A few years later, I served in another church and was asked to visit a dying woman I’d never met who’d asked for a pastor to come by and pray with her. More specifically, she emailed her request because she’d lost the ability to speak as her body had started shutting down. She was in her thirties – a young mom whose health had suddenly declined.

As I entered into a depressing room of strangers, I wondered how to pray “appropriately.” Without much time to consider this, I simply (and perhaps “inappropriately”) asked if she wanted me to pray for a miraculous healing. She nodded her head, and so I did. We eventually ended our time together as I left her and her loved ones to continue processing the sadness of it all.

The next day, I was shocked to learn she’d started speaking again. Two days later, she had made a dramatic recovery. The doctors used the word “miracle.”

What the heck?

God invites us in.

He wants us to realize that prayer isn’t about a formula but about being formed. Our words aren’t meant to be performed “right” but to be shared “raw.” In this way we don’t just grab for what we want, but collapse into Who we have.

You can’t quantify sweat when it comes to prayer anyway. The prophet Elijah famously prayed for a miracle of rain seven times before it happened, but he only had to pray for a miracle of fire once.

That’s confusing… unless this isn’t in the Bible to prescribe a holy math of how often to pray, but to show us Who he prayed to.

God does have power and miracles to offer us, but they’re secondary to the relationship He wants to build with us as we seek Him for those things. This isn’t selfish of Him either, but quite selfless. He always knows what we regularly forget – that the usual miracles we pray for come out of our spiritual nearsightedness.

Jesus supernaturally fed the thousands… who were naturally hungry again hours later. He also supernaturally raised Lazarus from the dead… who at some point naturally died again. Even miracles like these have expiration dates.

The only miracle that doesn’t expire is the personal relationship we can have with Him through Jesus Christ. We can build that intentionally, but also accidentally… for even when we shout at God we end up turning toward Him… which is the point.

Yes, an honest prayer life can start with you thinking He’s being hard-headed, but quickly pivot as you realize the soft spot He has for you. Your soul may start out feeling unglamorous and alone, yet soon step into the splendor that’s always been with you.

God walks us up.

We tend to see life like a mountain we haven’t conquered. As we consider our beginning to that end, can we ask God to zip us there?

Yes, but what if that’s only half the prayer? The “beginning” and the “end” are part of it, but so is seeking God in the “middle.” For example, “God, make everything go smoothly” could become “God, strengthen my feet for whatever the path is. I’m stressed, but I will trust You.” Likewise, “Be with me as I ______” can reset into “Thanks for always being with me, and even now as I ______.”

So… perhaps “Lord, help my (dog/loved one) feel better” becomes “Lord, I don’t know how to pray for my (dog/loved one), but I know I want to, so teach me how to pray. I ask for total physical healing, and passionately am knocking on Your heart for it. And I also trust Your heart. Build my relationship with You through it all.”

What’s your mountain? How are you trying to help your family walk it, too?

God is walking up it with you all. Yes, Jesus said mountains can be moved… yet maybe this one hasn’t yet.

Tell Him about it. Complain if you have to.

Just lean into His shoulder as you do.

It isn’t false hope.

It’s just awkward, isn’t it?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

so this guy told me he heard God tell him something...

You're a good listener, right?

You learn the name of who you're talking to. You're attentive, not looking at your phone or TV while during a conversation. You're eager to not talk and take things in versus just waiting for your chance to be heard. You use your body language, leaning in to pay full attention versus looking past someone. And you're not in a hurry to hear something... you've even learned how to approach a conversation with zero agenda or prejudice about what you'll let someone say to you.

It's because you care about the person and not just what they'll say. You look for places in the conversation to wrestle with what's been said and agree with a "mmm-hmm" as you process it. You remember what's important and figure out how to do something with it.

You're a good listener, right?

I'd like to think that I am... but I (at best) do this 75% of the time. That's after years of learning, applying, failing, succeeding and learning again.

With that context in mind, let me take you back a whole lot of years ago when I was new to my Christian faith.

So, this guy told me he heard God tell him something.

I remember thinking, "Wait, what?"

Because in the Bible, God spoke directly to lots of different people with famous names like Abraham and Moses. But... this guy?

"This guy in front of me who is eating chicken nuggets and dipping his fries in McDonald's sweet-and-sour sauce... hears from God?"

But my bigger question? "How?"

Ever wondered that? "How can I hear from God and know that it's Him and not me?"

Maybe there's a formula for it. I haven't found one yet. I did jump in, though, trying to apply what I listed earlier:

• I learned the Name: Sure, lots of people give the supernatural lots of names. If God exists, though, why would we name Him versus let Him tell us His Name? He's shown Himself to be "Father, Son and Spirit" - so I often begin praying with "Lord," or "Jesus," to personalize it.
• I became attentive: I found a quiet spot in my house with some white noise to not hear other people or things. Other times I've welcomed the sounds to turn them into praises, "God, thanks for my family whom I hear right now...".
• I was eager to not talk: This didn't come naturally, but by choice. I'll get to that in a moment. I used body language: I didn't lay down where I'd fall asleep, but made myself comfortable. There have been times over the years where I've done the opposite, like laying face down to communicate respect for God, or sitting with my arms open to represent my open life to whatever God might say.
• I paid full attention: The catch here is to acknowledge that our minds wander. A friend of mine told me he always had an extra notebook on hand when he was spending time with God to write down any random everyday "to do" list items (i.e. "Remember to buy milk!") that pop up when we simply slow down. Once you write it down, you can move on from it.
• I wasn't in a hurry: I had read enough of the Bible at that point to know that some of the people we think who knew God best didn't always understand what He meant or hear from Him in the timing they demanded. I wanted to be patient.
• I had zero agenda/prejudice: In a culture where we vote on everything, it's hard to let God have the final say on something that we don't agree with. In some of my biggest struggles, I've had to say, "You're God. I'm not. What do You want me to know today?"
• I cared about the Person: I wanted to talk with God not to hear sage wisdom but to get to know Him and His heart. Sometimes we forget this and turn God into a fortune cookie.
• I wrestled with what has been said: As I started to sense direction and a word or two of leadership, I wrestled with it... wondering, "Is this me, or is this God?"
• I remembered: I wrote down what I experienced.
• I did something about it: I compared my sense of things with what the Bible actually says. God doesn't contradict Himself, so what He's written and what He's guiding you on will always coincide.

To clarify, this is the formula I tried. I don't think it's a bad place to start, but I also don't think it needs to be so formal all the time (although, some times this can be helpful).

I mentioned a thought earlier on listening. Here's an interesting tidbit.

Dan Rather, CBS anchor, once asked Teresa of Calcutta what she said during her prayers. She answered, "I listen." So Dan turned the question and asked, "Well then, what does God say?" She smiled and answered, "He listens." For an instant, Dan didn't know what to say. "And if you don't understand that," she added, "I can't explain it to you."

What she was saying (and what I've learned) is it's often less about praying a formula or repetitive thing, but about considering WHO you're praying to.

My friend Rick Lawrence says, "When it comes to hearing God, I tell people to imagine themselves as a catch in a baseball game. They're wearing a catcher's mitt." And God is the Pitcher. Will we catch whatever He throws? And will we build trust with Him as we go back and forth?

It's been said that the last creature to discover water would be a fish... since it's surrounded by it all the time.

What if this is the same with God?

What if it's not a matter of if you're hearing His voice, but if you're paying attention to it?

"Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always." 1  Chronicles 16:11 

For more on the "How do I know it's God" piece, check out this link or this video from Dr Charles Stanley.

In the meantime,  I'd love to hear your journey with this kind of spiritual health. Email me back (and thanks to so many of you who have been doing this - I love connecting with you!)

P.S. Don't miss out on these updates - sign up for the 2020 Reset here: https://mailchi.mp/2f8cdd5ac723/2020reset

how I won't pray for you

I am regularly honored to have people ask me to pray for them.

Maybe it's because I'm a pastor, or maybe it's because I'm their friend. Perhaps it's a little bit of both.

Sometimes I sense they want me to pray for something I'm not sure I can pray for.

For example, I once had a family ask me to pray over a medal they were going to give to their son who was heading off to serve in the military. I have no critique for their motives. Essentially, they were asking that I could impart something supernatural onto the medal that would make it protect him while he was there.

Obviously, that's not something I can do. It's one thing for God to say to Moses, "Hey, your staff will do this now..." and another thing for me to make a similar declaration about an inanimate object without first checking in with God to see if He wanted to work that way.

So I prayed on my own for wisdom, and eventually circled back to the family. "I'm sorry," I began. "I can't do what you're asking me to do. What I do know is God would much rather first look out for your son's eternity than promise you he will be safe at every turn. He's challenged me to pray with and for your son for that reason. I'd also like to be a prayer partner and pray for his safe return and journey with God while he's away, but I can't pray for this medal to do what you want it to do."

They replied, "What if we make a donation to the church?"

I answered, "I wouldn't know about it because I'm not the guy around here who personally keeps track of any of that. I do that on purpose so I can give you honest answers like this one."

They thanked me for my honesty. It was pleasant.

Then I learned two days later that they'd left the church and found someone down the street who would pray for the medal like they wanted.

I told you that story to tell you this one.

A man once walked up to me and asked that I could pray that he and his wife would ultimately have a safe life. I asked if something was prompting this, like a threat or situation they were worried about. He explained there wasn't any threat, but he was sure God's best plan for them was that they'd live a safe life.

This happened a few months after the first situation occurred. Perhaps fueled by that a bit, I explained, "I can do one of two things. I can pray that prayer, and we can assume that God's greatest plan for your life is safety. Or I can pray that you will experience the life God has for you to live. That means I will not directly pray that God makes you safe, but allow Him to know and declare what the ideal tone for your life needs to be. If you want, I will pray one step further... that God makes you dangerous – so dangerous for Him that when you walk into a room all the demons of hell flee because of your presence. How does that sound?"

He nodded his head, thought for a moment and eventually said, "The second one." We prayed that prayer. That family is also still around in our church today... and yes, they're quite dangerous for Jesus.

I'll let you figure out your own application now.

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20)

praying rugby

Prayer is not meant to be the pathway to "smoothly."

"God, please let this thing go smoothly."

That may be the word we use most often while praying, but when that concept dominates we turn God into a pleasure slave. Then... then... then... when He doesn't deliver on our false image of Him, we then get mad at Him for it.

Ironic?

Prayer is actually the pathway to a relationship... to perspective... to Life.

It is actually something like rugby.

You will find community with God and others in the scrum... all while you wrestle over what truly matters.

To be honest, you just might get a black eye as you personally engage.

Then again, following Jesus is not about being a spectator to "smoothly"... but is about it is the path to victory.

"Pray continually" (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

an honest prayer

MY LORD GOD,

I have no idea where I am going. 

I do not see the road ahead of me. 
I cannot know for certain where it will end. 

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. 

But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. 

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. 

Therefore will I trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 

I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone. 

- from Through the Year With Thomas Merton

a behind-the-scenes prayer request to my church

For the past several months (and more), folks within my church have been pulling together to prep for Easter weekend. This is not only an amazing few days in itself every year, but this year represents our relaunch as a church - something we aim to do every five years.

In case you're a part of a church or wonder what some healthy priorities are, I hope you join me/us in praying like this. Here's what I shared with some of our core leaders today:

This is it! "All hands on deck."

Easter weekend. Our relaunch. Replant realized.

The city has been "egged." The building has been prepped. The sign has been made. The sermon has been created (and almost finished).

Counting Good Friday, we have FOUR services this weekend to "love and lead all people into a fully-alive connection with God."

Now... PRAY. Don't just sit there and nod your head like you're going to do it, but actually do it. Jesus prayed so intensely before the cross that the Bible said his sweat was like drops of blood. Can we expect that our prayer life should be any different?

Pray like you've never prayed before:

• Home plate: Pray for your relationship with Christ. Fix your eyes on Jesus, "the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Heb 12:2)

• First base: Pray for your character. Don't go through this weekend confident in your own self. "Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)

• Second base: Pray for your church community. May we be people who speak honor of each other, believe the best in each other and overlap ourselves into one another. "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

• Third base: Pray for your calling. God has put you in the lives of other people for a reason. Invite Him to use your abilities, resources, finances and more to further what He's doing. "Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." (1 Cor 12:27)

• Home plate: Pray to once again give it all to Jesus. Anything we "score" is for Him and for the "team." That we would "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19)

What are you waiting for? Let's get to praying! Jesus Christ is Lord... and His cross and Resurrection are about to get elevated. Get on your knees, and let's humbly get this party started. SO excited to share this journey with you!

This is only the beginning!

Prayer requests directly from a youth pastor in Newtown, CT

My friend Rick Duncan shared a post from the youth pastor at his church who contacted a youth worker in Newtown, CT. Here's the original post:

We are all still reeling from the school shooting that happened this past weekend. This afternoon, I had the privilege of talking with a youth pastor from Newtown, CT. He works with children and teenagers in his community just minutes from where the shooting happened.

There was a lot that he and I talked and prayed about. Here are a few of the prayer requests that he said that I could feel free to share.

1. For his personal healing. Help him find joy in suffering.

2. Many of the families in their church were friends or associates with victims families.

3. That God would use this tragedy for His Glory. Provide a spiritual awakening in the town.

4. The town is crawling with media and it’s proving difficult to try and live any semblance of normal living.

5. The church wants to help and is trying to find their role in the healing process.

6. There were kids from the youth group that had recently gone off to college that had known Adam Lanza.

7. Healing for kids and teens who are trying to reconcile so much during this time.

8. For Christmas joy. Newtown is a town that always makes a big deal of Christmas and many people have taken down decorations because of the guilt they feel for celebrating.

9. How to address the youth group kids in the coming days, weeks, months.

10. Wisdom for the youth ministry network of 8 guys in the area.

I’d encourage you to take a moment to pray for these 10 requests. Feel free to post in the comment page any encouragement that you’d like to share with him. I’ll be emailing him this post.