real words

What you think repulses me.

Sometimes.

Other times it inspires me.

Sometimes.

The catch is there are rules we're supposed to follow in what we say.

We give the "safe" answer. "Fine, how are you?"

It certainly seems more palatable than the "awkward" answer. "I'm horrible. The gout on my feet has been acting up."

There are other issues that can be affirmed from only one direction. For example, if I were to post on online "Hey everyone, I'm coming out of the closet..." I would get lots of affirming comments, such as "Hey, I'm here for you. I won't judge you. I have your back." 

Imagine if I were to finish the sentence by saying, "Thanks, because I'm coming out of the closet on what I think about culture's blind affirmation of homosexuality, and I want everyone to know God's perspective on it." The response would be different, wouldn't it?

Ever wonder why people crucified Jesus?

Look - you know what it's like to be real.

You know what it's like to feel joy, pain, anger and fear. You know what it's like to experience betrayal. You know what it's like to move forward in a relationship. You know what it's like to lose someone you love.

So do I. So do the people around you.

So how can the conversations you have today better reflect that?

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4:15)

fan the flame

Think about a value that you’d like to nurture in your circle of influence.

Your home. Your business. Your neighborhood. Your school. Your church.

How can you fan the flame?

• Maybe it’s something proactive, like a sense of Divine Expectation in what’s about to happen today. You will look for blessings and help others to see them.
  
  
• Maybe it’s Genuine Humility so that everything that happens is less about ego or rights and more about putting the spotlight on someone/something else.
  
  
• Maybe it's Fearless Conversation that allows others to talk about what matters most in the way that matters most.
  
  
• Maybe it’s Radical Hospitality that makes sure everyone is profoundly relational in how they authentically interact with each other.

(thanks to Thom and Joani Schultz for the unique wording of those powerful concepts)

On the other hand, maybe what you want to nurture is reactive to something you feel isn’t happening at all or in the way you want it to. We all have these moments, and sometimes frustration is a way God gets our attention. Sometimes it’s to help offer change to the situation, and other times it’s because He wants to initiate a change inside of you.

Be aware of the difference.

We all have opinions. We all get fired up about certain things.

Imagine what would happen... what could happen...
if you keep your eyes focused on Jesus – the Author and Perfector of our faith.

Imagine what would happen... what could happen...
if we love and lead each other as we grow.

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands." (2 Timothy 1:6)

manhood and girls who say no

Manhood is weird. Some days I feel like I need an assistant to keep track of which guy friends I handshake, fist-bump, slap-hand/grab-fingers/finger-point, or tough-hug-while-maintaining-heterosexual-distance with.

Today I confronted another lack of manhood in a public place.

My family and I ate lunch at a pavilion near a local park. Afterward I took my boys to play, and my wife and baby daughter hung out in the shade of the pavilion. After fifteen minutes my wife got my attention, and as I approached her informed me that some pre-teen boys were giving a girl a hard time who was resisting one of them.

I walked over quickly, assessing the situation just as she described. Even from a distance the boy noticed me and let go of the girl... as if he knew what he was doing was wrong but only was reminded of it by my approach.

Using my best "man" voice, I got close and asked, "WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

"I don't know," he answered to avoid answering.

"WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

"I don't know."

"Yes," laughed one of his buddies.

I glared at his friend. "DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT? DON'T ANSWER - JUST THINK... DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT?"

Turning back toward the first kid, I asked again, "WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

"I don't know... maybe... or no, I guess."

I paused, looking him over. "You WILL respect these girls." The two females, about 12 years old each, sat on the picnic table listening with their backs to me.

"Why does he care?" chirped the third boy.

"He's trying to be our father figure," said the first.

"Do you have a father figure?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he answered.

"Does he set a good example for you?"

"I don't know," he replied.

"Not mine," said the second boy.

"I don't have a dad," blurted the third. He seemed serious.

"Then stop waiting for someone to set an example and start setting one," I pressed. "I know how this works. You nod your head now and then when I walk away you shout out something that sounds clever but is your attempt to look cool instead of be a man. So decide if you're going to be boys who don't respect girls or men who fight for their purity and honor."

"Okay..."

"Don't tell me okay. I have a daughter and she's going to grow up, and you'd better respect her."

"I won't know your daughter," he said.

"But you do know these girls, so start with them."

"Okay... okay..."

I sat down across from them.

Awkward pause.

"So..." he said, "are you just going to sit there and watch us now?"

"Yep. Someone will always be watching you."

---

I had this happen once before and wrote about it: http://www.connectionchurch.org/pdfs/2011/020911_MedinaGazette.pdf

Different boys, same lack of respect.

As long as it keeps happening, I'll keep on giving the same talk. It may go in one ear and out the other... it may only stick with one of them... it may be the girls decide to stop hanging out with guys like this.

Or maybe you read this and will be the next reminder to someone that what is common in our world should never be considered normal.

"Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us." (Titus 2:6-8)

thinking on your feet

Consider this story about a college football team whose starting quarterback had just been injured. Their #2 quarterback was sick, so he hadn’t even dressed for the game. All the coach had left was a third-string freshman who had experience as a quarterback in high school but was used to being used as a punter on this team.

To make matters worse, the team was backed up on its own third-yard line. It was a desperate situation, and the coach’s only thought was somehow to get a little farther from their goal line to give them room to punt out of danger.

Sending in the third-string quarterback, the coach said, "Son, I want you to hand off to the big fullback Kowaski for the next two plays, letting him run right into the middle of the line to get us a few yards of breathing room. Then I want you to punt."

The young quarterback did as he was instructed. On the first play he handed off to Kowaski, but almost miraculously Kowaski found a hole off tackle and ran for 50 yards. The young quarterback called the same play again, and once more (miracle of miracles), the hole opened again and Kowaski gained another 45 yards. The fans went crazy. In two plays they had gone 95 yards and the ball was on their opponent’s 2-yard line. It was first down and goal to go!

Confidently the team lined up once again. The young quarterback received the snap, then stepped back to everyone’s amazement, and punted the ball into the end zone. As his stunned teammates came off the field, the coach angrily grabbed the young quarterback and demanded, "What in the world were you thinking about when you called that last play?" The quarterback answered, "I was thinking what a dumb coach we have."

----

Perhaps you find that story ridiculous, for indeed it is.  It's actually not as far-fetched as you may imagine, for many professional coaches today do not expect their quarterbacks to make decisions.

And yet I wonder... where in your week are you most tempted to be passive instead of active?  What are the areas of life that you don't intentionally engage the moment and merely go an auto-pilot?

Granted, there is something to be said about when we need to follow someone's instructions literally.  I've heard stories about soldiers whose lives were saved because when their commanding officer told them to "hit the deck" they ducked away from something they couldn't see (but their C.O. could).

The greater question, then, is are you able to not only follow instructions... but are you able to follow the POINT of those those instructions?

3 things great leaders do that we never forget

According to Jill Geisler, head of the Leadership and Management Group at Poynter, workers trust, respect, and follow the best leaders and managers not just because they’re smart and have influence. She writes:

"There are no flawless bosses. Even the great ones have their quirks. But they possess something that overshadows their shortcomings: the trust of people who choose to follow them."

She goes on to illustrate three things that followers/workers truly value and remember about their leaders:

• How a boss apologizes—Apologies should be sincere, specific, and public when needed. Leaders who admit and apologize for their errors are deemed as stronger.
  
  
• My observation: Consider Psalm 51 - it is a public confession of King David's sin. Did you ever consider that he could have continued to sweep this under the carpet, but instead came out with it?
  
  
  
• How a boss handles an employee’s error—Great leaders know a first-rate employee regrets an honest mistake. The leader listens to and speaks with the employee to learn what caused the error, how to avoid again it in the future, and how to best handle it now.
  
  
• My observation: I have watched what happens when people come to me with behaviors or actions that they feel ashamed of and I try to take the approach Jesus took with the woman caught in adultery. He didn't slam her with a label, but began by calling her "woman." There is something that builds between two people when we respond with dignity in their embarrassment.
  
  
  
• How a boss responds to an important personal life event—Workers never forget when their leader supports them in both joyful and tragic situations such as funerals, weddings, child’s illness, etc.
  
  
• My observation: It drives me crazy when I can't be present for someone's tragedy... because when I have been there I see how significant it is to weep and laugh with someone else. Some of my best friendships - ironically - we deepened by a tragedy.
  

Great leaders work hard to earn the trust of others, but sometimes it's as simple as these three areas. When people see a clear, healthy correlation between a leader’s values and his/her actions, they will never forget.

Where have you seen this play out in your life?

what separates the Christians from the Church

You've perhaps heard that the church has let a few people down.

I'm one of them.

Both, I mean.

I've been let down... and I've let people down.

Which is why I have been chewing on a phrase lately that I think sums up what most of us miss out on relationally.

And it's what separates the Christians from truly being the Church...

or what helps us lay the foundation for significant growth, both numerical and spiritual.

"Pinky Swear."

Remember the "Pinky Swear?" You'd be hanging out with your friends and someone would make a commitment - some sort of inclination that he/she would do something. Maybe it was an actual task like, "I'll give you my old bike when I get a new bike." Or maybe it was something more relational like, "We're going to be best friends forever."

And someone would say out loud "Pinky swear." And you'd do it.

Kind of silly, isn't it? Now we're older and we know better. We're extra careful not to Pinky Swear too much because we want to keep our options open.

The Pinky Swear is our first hint at "Covenant relationships."

I know that word "covenant" seems like an ancient word, and it is... it underscores something we've forgotten - namely, "What can we do for this relationship?"

In contrast, we tend to live more "contractually." In other words, "What can you do for me?"


Do you see a problem with that trend?

(Of course you do.)


But where do you see a problem with it - be it inside your friends (the easy place to spot it) and/or inside of you (the harder place to spot it)?

Today I dropped a couple of neighbors off at the airport because they needed a ride. As I was about to pull away, one of them knocked on the van door and asked, "What do we owe you?" I appreciated the question, but have to admit it caught me off guard... because to love my neighbor doesn't have strings attached to it.

Should it? Because the world seems to tell me I need to.

For some time it had frustrated me to no end that we have exchanged "covenant relationships" for "feelings-based relationships." We stay in connection as long as we feel good about it, lacking a covenant that involves an "ahead of time commitment" we've formed to be pursuers of one another and builders of something worth building... even when it isn't easy.

Doesn't a covenant sound better? Yeah, I know it sounds harder...

but... doesn't it sound... better?

In any relationship, it is inevitable for disagreements to arise, even among the closest of friends. At times one person will anger another because of allegiances they maintain (or don't maintain) to other people, interests, political parties, churches, and so on. Controversial decisions must be made, especially when one person is engaged in something counterproductive - perhaps even destructive - to themselves and others.

When all of this occurs, a "covenant relationship" is the glue that holds us together... especially when it has been formed in the example of Christ. It's what helps the other person to get where you're coming from.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

And dare I say it? Covenant relationships are sadly missing in many churches. Which sort of dishonors the name of Jesus who is eternally committed to trying to reconcile with us.

Let me say this even more clearly - if you are a Christian...

Meaning, not that you "go to church" but have embraced the reality of your sin, confessed it before God, received the gift of eternal life He paid for you through His death and resurrection as Jesus Christ, and started on the path of following His guidance each day...

If you are a Christian...

you have no excuse -

n.o...e.x.c.u.s.e -

for not attempting to seek out reconciliation in your relationships...

and not giving up.

(That last part is especially important.)

Will that be difficult? Yes. Feel impossible at times? Without a doubt.

But don't give up. Even if it's one-sided, form a covenant on your end that loves that person "no matter what." This doesn't mean you don't speak redemptive truth into their lives, but that you do so with the resolve that you will work hard to make that relationship healthier and vibrant.

Now... if you disagree on that point, I don't think you understand what happened to you on the day of your salvation. And - please forgive the bluntness of this - but you need to grow up in how serious a deal that is to God.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1 John 4:19-21)

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:14-15)

I have this crazy sense that if we can't live that out that people outside of the church have every right to laugh at us. We've become our own punchline - and that's something that just isn't funny anymore.

Otherwise, we can settle for "What can you do more me?" Or as Janet Jackson once put it (and Eddie Murphy underscored), "What have you done for me lately?"

Granted -

• We're not always going to perfectly "be there" for each other, even in a covenant relationship.
  
• Sometimes we will run out of steam and overlook something we should have been at for the other person or make the phone call that is needed on their end.
• One of us may get ticked off and step back to create some space from the other... which is find it if it only in order to come back to the other in a short amount of time so things can move forward again.
  

But in such cases, when the covenant relationship is in place, these are all exceptions... these are "off moments," so to speak. For the covenant that has been established speaks on our behalf.

Otherwise, we can keep opting for the feel-good approach. If "everyone" makes "me" happy, then I am for everyone; if someone makes "me" mad, I am not for "everyone." And then "everyone" can go his or her own way, seeking new relationships, new churches where they can feel good.

Again, it's sad... but when a Church becomes this way - when we take an "everyone" idea and turn it into a "me" idea - we cease to actually be a Church any longer.

Yeah, I said it.


So... why am I writing this?

Is it because this is a problem in the congregation I'm a part of? Or is it because things are actually quite amazing and different and redemptive and we need to commit to each other now before the tension his and we all go running to our corners of the room.

I do believe it's time we answer that question.

Personally, I'm opting for my household being one that is always attempting to invite versus lock the door; and for our church being a community where we speak redemptive, challenging words and live out radical commitment into each others' lives. It's really a remarkable thing and it gives me a hopeful feeling to see what happens when my love for another person represents Jesus to them... and their life gets changed forever.

That's what I'm committed to. But again... that's just me. I'm not abandoning our relationship, even if you tick me off. Or if that guy does... or that gal... or all of them. I'm not ceasing my commitment to you... I'm not going anywhere.

"Pinky swear."

How about you?

a saturday night email to our lead team

This past Saturday I sent this to our lead team, an amazing group of men and women who are gifted to help Connection Church fulfill it's God given mission and vision. (And when I say gifted, I don't mean gifted to do it by themselves but by empowering the church people as they are gifted.)

A little context - we're six years old and moved into our new facility in September. I hope you realize what we show up for every Sunday as you digest this:

Hey Team -
Tomorrow is our first day in the new building. (Well, not really, but really, it is... every Sunday is our first day in the new building)

We have guests coming, and we need to give God our best... because for some odd reason He enjoys using imperfect people like us to share His perfect love, and someone's eternity is riding on it.

It is up to you to welcome every person you walk by, even if you don't have the time.

It is up to you to remind volunteers why what they do is more than fill a space on the schedule.

It is up to you to reach out to all people.
It is up to you to lead kids into a forever friendship with Jesus Christ.

It is up to you to redemptively love adults into a deeper connection with God.

It is up to you to BE the Church.

Show up on time. Be there for prayer at 8:30am, and let's pray - let's not wait for someone else to do it... let's arm wrestle over who gets to do it.

When it's time to sings songs of worship, engage God - not because you have to stand up and sing but because you have the chance to unashamedly let your love be proclaimed out loud. May it be contagious.

When it's time for opening up the Bible, open yours up... let God speak to you through that great gift.

When it's time to shake hands, look for someone who is falling through the cracks of that moment.

When it's time to hear teaching, don't worry about the person who is speaking - let God speak to you through me or in spite of me. Take notes - write them down, if not for you but for someone else whom you'll share the message with later in the week.

When it's time for you to tithe, drop it into the treasure box and thank Him for what He has provided that we get to take part in.

And when we say "AMEN" and "BE the Church" at the end, don't be in a rush to leave. Linger - connect - deepen your relationships with God and His Church.

See you in the morning....

Together,

Tony

Connection Church
http://www.connectionchurch.org/

Don't just go to church... BE the Church!

Part of me being a Type B leader means that I remind people of our values - why it is we do what we do. And since some of our lead team are Type A folks, they need that from me. Likewise, I need them to be sure the details get done... but I do need to remind them of "why" the details are important - which means that even though I don't think about details, I need to think about why details are important.

For the record, I was late to our 8:30am prayer time.

And for the record, they did pray without me (which rocked).