defining a relationship we'd rather not define

It's common to struggle with commitment and definition of where things are at in any relationship. But how about this one:

Andy and Grace met through a mutual friend. From day one they seemed to be the perfect match. Grace was everything Andy had always wanted. She was beautiful, outgoing, and caring—always there when Andy needed her.


For the first five months they were inseparable. Andy could hardly think of anything but Grace. He didn’t need to look further, he told friends, ‘She’s the one’.


Now almost three years have passed. Andy still enjoys the familiarity of being with Grace, but the spark is gone. Grace’s flaws seem more obvious. He’s not sure he finds her as attractive as he once did. He’s sure there’s a better option out there.


And he’s beginning to resent all the time she wants to spend with him. One night when she asks if they can define the nature of their relationship, Andy blows up. ‘We’re together, aren’t we?’ he asks angrily. ‘Why isn’t that enough for you?’


Obviously, Andy isn’t ready for a commitment. And it’s unclear if he ever will let himself be.

---

You need to know something about the couple.

There are millions of Andys walking around today.

And Grace isn’t a girl. Grace is a church.

- From "Stop Dating The Church: Fall In Love With The Family Of God" by Joshua Harris

Did you see that one coming?

More importantly, did it describe you or a trend you see in others?

Many of us have been just like Andy. We've treated the local church like a someone we want to string along,  keeping a presence there just enough to maintain the relationship, but never a real investment to see the beauty of what commitment could bring out.

That’s because it’s easier to date than it is to be in a marriage – to spend hours with someone at dinner or doing something special is easy. But to make a “for better or for worse” commitment is hard. That means living with them when you're grumpy, they're sleepy, you're sick, they're worried, you're struggling, and they're disappointed.

"Andy" is a perfectionist with the church - first she was all that, and then she was nothing.

• Some of her faults are really hers. Nobody’s perfect, and the better we get to know each other, the more we learn how much that’s true.
• Her other faults, however, are more in him than in her. The standards he applies to her he doesn't apply to himself.

Andy just wants to hang on to the relationship for the comfort it gives him, but he’s so independent and critical that he’d never think to commit to her. He’s looking for the best product… but isn’t willing to make an investment.

Is your relationship with your church one you'd rather not define? Or is it one you're "all in" on and putting in the effort to make sure the "family" is the healthiest it could possibly be?

true transparency

True transparency doesn't need to defend itself - not because we believe we're right, but because we are open to how we might be wrong.

We may believe we're vulnerable because we share vulnerable details about our lives; however, unless you are open to correction such "vulnerability" is only another mask.

Remember this before you complain you're being judged or quickly tell someone, "Don't be a hater." Perhaps what you perceive as a false evaluation is simply something you're too chicken to hear.

(Spoken as one who wrestles with all of this on a daily basis. Let's grow through this together.)

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." (Proverbs 15:22)

relational gift-giving ideas

If you're struggling to come up with something meaningful for a Christmas gift, I'd like to share with you some ideas that in some way increase the relational capacity you and another person could share over the course of a year. Some of these work best with your "special someone," while others can be applied to family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and more. I originally shared these on my other blog, but thought I'd post them here, too:

• 104 packets of gourmet hot chocolate with personalized coffee cups: Communicate your desire to catch up together at least once a week.
• Two journals: Each person writes in one for a month, jotting down various things seen in the other person during that time. Take note of any steps of growth they're taking, outstanding qualities, potential blind spots, and so on. At the end of the month, get together over lunch and share.
• Deck of cards and a book about card games: Use it as an excuse to hang out together.
• Collage of special photos: Highlight your favorite memories together.
• Bottle of sparkling cider in a picnic basket filled with wrapped deli cheese and fruit: Make plans to have a picnic together in the next week, even if it's inside.
• Disposable camera: Devote it for the sole use of capturing future memories together.
• Craft supplies: Do something creative together.
• Gardening gloves with a plant or flower seeds: Work on a garden together.
• Bread or cookie mix: Take turns making each other a round every couple of weeks, or bake together and deliver these treats to friends, family or neighbors.
• Gourmet popcorn and movie rental gift certificates: Have a movie night every week for a month.
• Famous BBQ sauce with basting brush: Plan a night to grill out and invite new friends into your relational circle.
• Pancake or waffle mix with bottle of real maple syrup: Start the day off together with a sweet taste in your mouth.
• Movie theater gift certificates: Take turns picking movies to see together - no complaints.
• Board games: Pick selections that can draw all ages in your household(s) together.
• Identical books: Shop for cheap selections that you can read through together.
• Kitchen gadgets: Find recipes that force you to use them and cook for each other.
• Two watches: Pray for each other when the alarm goes off.
• Colorful Post-It notepads: Give each other permission to leave encouraging notes in unexpected places.
• Puzzles: Assemble them together over dessert.
• Pizza and football: Give a coupon/gift card for a favorite pizza chain or snack food with an invitation to a Monday Night Football party.
• Hobby supplies: Buy an item from a hobby they love (a bat, ice skates, tennis balls, etc) and give the gift with an invitation to GO DO that activity.
• Cheap sleds and hot cider packets: Promise to go sledding together anytime there’s more than 3 inches of snow.
• Washable window paint: Use it all year to write encouraging or funny messages to people who pass by.
• Bowl and notecards: Create a "prayer bowl" where you and your family write down prayer requests and praises you pray over at dinner.
• Family journal: Use it so anyone in the household can record and recall blessings.
• “Mad Skillz” certificate: Give certificates for something you're good at, such as "Free Oil Change" or "Free Full Meal," it to bless them.
• Coupon book: Bind some note-cards full of relationship-appropriate coupons, such as "I will mow the yard" or “I will cook dinner.”
• Child care punch-card: Create a punch-card for someone with kids that covers ten free nights of deluxe babysitting. Bring a full spread of activities and age-appropriate games so the kids actually want you to come back.

Got any more?

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?” -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39)

dealing with rejection - pt 2

If by chance you experience tension and rejection from another person or group, you're in good company.

Jesus knows how you feel.

But again, don't stop there and ignore one of the most often ignored commands from God from Matthew 18 - reconcile and forgive. Failing to do so affects people around you and makes the relationship never really feel healed.

Consider what happened to Christ after He challenged His disciples to accept all of the commands He was teaching... to completely consume Him in every way possible, even if it meant the kind of flesh and blood kind of obedience that meant doing healthy things that felt harder than you could imagine.

On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)

For all the theology in this verse, there's something emotional happening here we may skip over. How might Jesus have felt when people He cared about - faces He knew, and stories He tracked - said, "I'm not comfortable with You or what You're about. Don't look me up anymore, understand?"

The easiest metaphor for me (perhaps because of what I do) is to imagine this was a church. Perhaps the person might say to Jesus, "Your style of ministry isn't meeting my needs. I think I'm going to go somewhere else where I can be fed like I am comfortable being fed. I'll see you when I see you. Cool?"

That has to hurt. In fact, I know it does.

There are instances in the Bible where people part ways, but it's clear that God ideal is that wouldn't happen. So what happens when you deal with some kind of rejection? According to this passage, we see a few things happening here in Jesus' own heart:

• Grieve: This may seem like an odd step, but it need to be stated. Jesus demonstrates it near the end... there is clearly something emotional happening in His heart, whether it's the acknowledgement of potential loss or an actual moving moment.
  
  Grieving allows you to spend some time just processing your feelings, and helps you make sure you don't prematurely react out of your initial hurt. But be careful - there does come a point when a lot of people who say "I just need some space" end up using that space to flee from tension instead of pause and move back toward the relationship. So grieve... but don't expect every tear to be wiped away before you reconcile - just let the largest ones dry up a bit.

• Stay strong: I admire how Jesus doesn't flinch on doing the right thing here. Even with all the pushback, He knows that Truth is Truth and can't be compromised. If you're waiting on someone who's rejected you or won't reconcile, stay mature and steadfast about these values that may not be popular, but are right and true.
  
  Jesus says in verse 38, “I have come to do the will of God who sent me, not what I want.” There’s a lot of pressure in trying to please everyone. As the crowd grows, there will be more voices clamoring for your attention and potentially becoming offended if you don’t play their hand. One is a much less stressful number.
   
• Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open. Christ does that here, even though people walk away from Him versus toward Him.
  
  
• Be secure in the Father's Love: There was never any doubt in Jesus' mind about whether or not the Father loved him. The echo of the words of his baptism,“This is my son, and I am really pleased with him,” can’t be underestimated.
  
  
• Journey with those around you who haven't left: Sometimes when I am hurting to work something out with someone else, I forget to invest in the relationships in front of me. Even Jesus didn’t go at it alone. In response to his question, Peter says, “Where are we going to go? You have the words of life.”
  
  You need people like that. “I’ve got your back” type of people. Some  may even tell you what you don't want to hear, but listen - for such "wounds" from a friend can be trusted.

dealing with rejection - pt 1

Sometimes you just don't get along with other people. Sometimes people reject you.

Crazy, isn't it?

You may be around them this next week at a Christmas party, and those extended family members, friends, or co-workers may flash a smile while they plot their next jab. You may encounter them in the neighborhood because they have different opinions than you do about exterior aesthetics or interior household dynamics. Or it may be people you once were in connection with would rather be disconnected from you.

When my kids have a problem with each other, I tell them to work it out. It's a basic principle... "We're family, and while you may be mad or disagree with each other your relationship is intended for health. So slow down and go work it out. That's who we are, and that's what we do."

As their father, that's my plan for them - and it pleases me when they live it out. I also take action and appropriately discipline them when they don't.

Kind of like how God, our Father, says the same, feels the same and does the same. In fact, Jesus once said through a parable in Matthew 18 that the measure by which we reconcile or don't reconcile will be applied to us.

Have you ever considered any of this when you know you should work out something with another person and refuse to or give up? 

We're not just pushing away a person because we're "tired" of working on something - we're rejecting a command from our Father.

We're pushing back on our Father.

It's ironic how adults seem to ignore this principle more than we encourage kids to follow it. I am constantly amazed at how there are so many commands and teachings of God we accept, but when it comes to working things out with another person we opt for the world's method to "agree to disagree."

The Bible contains only a few instances where people of God part ways, and even these are descriptions of what happened to them and not intended prescriptions for us. It's clear all throughout Scripture that God's ideal is for people to work things out - so what happens when you deal with some kind of tension or rejection?

• Seek God: Don't ask others for advice or follow your gut. Seek first God and His Kingdom by reading one of the most ignored passages by Christians: Matthew 18:13-35. Then follow it in the spirit of Proverbs 3:5-6.
   
• Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open.
   
• Trust in God’s sovereignty: According to Romans 8:28, God can weave anything into a plan that serves His best interest and your good. So basically God’s got your back... and while you can't control what the other person is doing, you can trust that the Lord is working on their heart. What else do you really need?

If you're willing to work at it this, sin doesn't have to have the final word. It may feel like it now, especially if the other person isn't responding. Hang in there.

Remember, Christmas is about God coming near... so don't pull back. Instead, take a cue from Jesus who came to bless those who would curse Him and move toward the person you have tension with - even yet another step - until you're past the high winds of the tornado and in the center where you can find peace.

And if by chance you're the one who won't work things out, the Father does care. Don't be surprised if He disciplines you... be it a "time out" or a "spanking" in some area of life. Why not instead honor Him right now and sit down with a fellow family member whom you have had tension with?

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight."

I have at least one more thought on this. Look for Pt 2 tomorrow.