one reason it does matter what people think of you

I kind of hit a car today.

I was pulling out of my driveway, and realized I had gotten in so quickly and started to move that I didn't have my seatbelt on. Stretching over to put it on, with one eye on the snowy landscape in my neighbor's yard behind me, I clicked my belt into place.

[CRUNCH-CRUNCHY-TA-CRUNCH]

I hit the brakes. I knew that sound. Hopping out, I noticed a small white car that blended in with the snow that my quick glance in the mirror hadn't identified. Apparently, I'd hit it. Pulling out and putting my car on the side, I looked and saw a small dent. Now it was time to own it with my neighbor, or likely a guest at his house (since I didn't recognize the vehicle).

Long story short, it was my neighbor's brother's car. And he was so, so incredibly gracious about it all. He said that the ding on the door wasn't a big deal and he told me not to worry about it.

Wow.

Meanwhile, my bumper has a larger story to tell.

But... I also think there was another larger story at play.

My neighbor and I have built a good friendship over the past year. We've swapped garage codes to do each other favors, and have had some good heart-to-heart, life-on-life chats. I met his in-laws recently, and they said they'd heard good things about my family and me.

I know we live in a world where the sassy attitude is that we just do whatever we want, and "as long as it makes you happy" that "it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

I'd argue that how we live does affect others, and relational health is more often about selfless moments than self-centered justification.

I wonder if I'd been an ornery neighbor over the past year if that would have been my reputation, and if that reputation would have informed what happened today. Maybe not - I'd argue that my neighbor's brother is a pretty decent guy even just based on how he handled this situation.

One reason why it *does* matter what people think?

Because they're people, and they deserve the same positive care - be it up close or from afar - that you'd hope for you or your loved ones.

Sure, maybe once in a while you'll feel the benefit of it. But more often? You'll be a benefit to someone else... and I think that alone is worth it.

That's one for the top 10 list:

7. I don't regret loving my neighbor, even if it meant crossing invisible social lines I was supposed to pretend meant we couldn't be friends.

There are some great tips on how to be a neighbor online. I personally like this wisdom:

"Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up." (Romans 15:2)

Or as a man named John Wesley said:

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”

Crashes happen.

The question is... what are you building?

dummies

There are people around you.

How do you view them?

I'm reminded of an Acura ad that says, "When you don't think of them as dummies, something amazing happens." 

Is that a philosophy that does or doesn't play out for you as you consider everyone from political candidates to a neighbor who can get on your nerves?

When you don't think of them as dummies, something amazing happens.

I'd like to offer you a simple challenge to you wherever you're at today:

Privately pray for someone you're next to. 

It could be the person sitting, serving, walking, exercising or cleaning nearby. The lady at the counter. The guy talking on his cellphone. A random stranger walking or running by. Someone on social media you can't remember why you're friends with.

Pray for them... for their journey in life and relationship with God.

Pray for their family, health, finances, hurts, victories.

Pray that you would see them not as an "extra" or "scenery" meant to be a spectacle to your life... but as a real human being.

Pray that you wouldn't see them as a dummy, but as the next person to change the world.

Pick someone out and quietly shout onto Heaven on their behalf. Simply talk to God about them.

You don't have to make a spectacle of it.

The challenge is set. Pray for the people you are next to, and watch what God does... in you.

Will you commit to this? If so, would you say "amen" out loud, even now?
Let's be a praying and committed people today.

"Pray continually... Brothers, pray for us." (1 Thessalonians 5:17, 25)

in part

An observation:

We're all tempted to each other symbolically or as a summary rather than as we really are in detail - including all the greatness and flaws.
Until we see through this filter, we'll never stop feeling frustrated with each other or making shortsighted decisions that don't fully consider each other.

Pause. Pray. Live and relate more deeply.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

i'll say it if no one else will

Watching sports regularly doesn’t qualify you to coach a professional team.

Viewing your favorite TV show each week doesn't qualify you to write its next episode.

Attending conferences doesn’t qualify you to be a keynote speaker.

That said...

What thing are you a regular part of that you are not qualified to speak into?

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't, nor do I mean to imply it's not a responsibility in your life somehow.

• Maybe it's your family, and you presume proximity equals intimacy... only as you speak into it you sound more like an annoyed neighbor than a reputable caregiver.
• Maybe it's your workplace, and you presume familiarity equals integrity... only as you speak into it you sound more like a seasoned faultfinder than a humble proponent.
• Maybe it's your church, and you presume sincerity equals clarity... only as you speak into it you sound more like a blind optometrist than an inspiring guide.
• Maybe it's your school, and you presume geography equals authority... only as you speak into it you sound more like an irate taxpayer than a genuine advocate.

What you're communicating, however you present it, is essentially this:

"I'll say it if no one else will."

Sure, maybe the reason it hasn't been said is because it needs to be said and no one has boldly stepped up to say it. That will often be what you presume.

Then again, maybe the reason it hasn't been said is because there are more important things that do need to be said. How clear are you on this?

Consider - "Was the silence there on purpose? If not, what is the best way to say what actually does need to be said and avoid what doesn't?"

That may not be what you wanted to hear today.

I'll say it if no one else will.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate." (1 Corinthians 13:1, The Message)

what moving on is supposed to look like

A quick message to my friends who toss around the title "Christian."

You know how you hate it when people make up their mind about you? 

Return the favor - let go of some of your passionate ideas about them.

We are all impacted by confirmation bias. We develop a belief about a person or situation then seek out information that amplifies that belief. You'll easily find a handful of others who will feed into what you've concluded, so you can then assume you're justified.

Be careful - it's possible for large groups of people or even one other person to keep you from reconciling tension. We all can help one another feel we're justified in being hacked off, and sometimes even feel it's okay because it happens among fellow church attendees who tell us exactly what we want to hear. Meanwhile, all we've done is further the tension and not actually followed Jesus.

Reconciliation, on the other hand? 

There is real peace in doing that... ironically even when it's done by yourself. 

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you... (forgive) not seven times, but seventy-seven times." - Jesus, Matthew 18:15,22

"Nah, Jesus. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. See you this weekend! I'll high-five you on the way into Your house." - the average person

P.S. I've written this after having made space in my heart this past week for people that I need to forgive. They didn't ask for it, and likely never will. Still, it's a done deal and if given the chance one day I'd love to share that with them. Moving on...

false motives, and the hard irony of loving others

When people are unsure of your motives, they'll invent some.

"Did you hear what so-and-so said?"

"He/she didn't say that."

"Oh, I'm sure he/she did."

Often this is a negative, especially when a person is looking for a reason to dislike you and feel justified; however, it can even be a false positive and they may give you kudos you don't deserve. Jesus spoke about this to a group of leaders who constantly tried to justify themselves to others:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean." (Matthew 23:27)

Ouch.

Some years ago, people attributed a certain poem to Mother Teresa... after all, it sounded like something everyone could imagine her saying. Another story says this was inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta.

However, an article in the New York Times has since reported (March 8, 2002) that the original version of this poem was written by Dr. Kent M. Keith. Still, Mother Teresa gets the credit.

Given the material in the poem, this is all quite ironic. Enjoy, and apply:

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.


If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.


If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.


The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.


Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.


The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.


People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.


What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.


People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.


Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You might need to read that again.

clear the mechanism

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
(Lamentations 3:22-24)

Clear the mechanism.

Renew your connection with God.

This is not about ignoring the crowd and calling them "haters," because that would be too easy to do in theory yet entirely impossible to do in practice. Far too often we deny the impact we have on the crowd and the impact the crowd has on us.

Rather, we must think appropriately and soberly through the chaos. By restoring the most important Relationship in your life - the one you have with Him - you can face the world as you should, able to take the mound and make your best pitch, no matter the voices around you. Praying for you and I on this today.

a healthier alternative to something that doesn't work anyway

Who have you "unfriended" lately for telling you something you didn't want to hear... but needed to?

When have you gone silent to try to avoid drama without realizing a real conversation would have led to healing the drama altogether?

What is something you think you've left in the past, but when you're around someone you realize it's still very much a part of the present as all the shields get raised in your spirit?

Consider God's pathway of reconciliation versus avoidance. In the wise words of my wife, "It takes too much energy to be fake than it does to be real."


Don't just talk about being "real and raw" but then hide when productive pushback happens.

"Better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool." (Ecclesiastes 7:5)

now... here's the fun part

If you don't know who Eduardo Saverin is, you likely know of something he helped start with a friend named Mark Zuckerberg. In college they were the original founders (if you don't believe the Winklevoss twins) of Facebook.

I'm not sure why I started following Eduardo's feed on Facebook, but I think it had something to do with wanting an insider's perspective on social media. After reading something he posted this week, as well as the commentary that followed, I'm reminded of how we think our opinion matters more than it does.

Case in point, let's start with Eduardo's comments on Facebook letting its stocks go public:

On the eve of the Facebook public float, 8 plus year in the making, I as co-founder wanted to look back and cherish Facebook's early beginning. Congrats to everyone involved in the project from day one till today, and I especially wanted to congratulate Mark Zuckerberg on keeping tremendous stead-fast focus, however hard that was, on making the world a more open and connected place.

Although he's come under fire for some controversy of his own, I appreciate Eduardo's sentiment. Here is the graphic he attached that shows Facebook's early days:

Now... here's the fun part.

Among the many comments that followed, I somehow gravitated to one in particular.

It reads "Get rid of the timeline!!! I'm seriously considering going back to MYSPACE. Maybe...."

Keep in mind, this is right on the eve of Facebook about to make more money than they know what to do with... which is a problem they already have. Yet here is a person on Facebook threatening to go back to another social network that she left for what appears to be a negative experience.

She's threatening Facebook... on Facebook.

Do you think Facebook is afraid? Are they going to take this comment seriously?

More importantly, does she believe Facebook is going to take this comment seriously?

You'll note that I blurred out her name, because this isn't about her and I'm not trying to poke fun. Rather, it's a revelation that most of us don't realize.

Social media has become about us getting our way... or at least trying to.

Maybe we're just like how Facebook was first founded - only instead of five people who embodied those traits, each person embodies them all. Do you see any of this in your or others online:

• Founder: We believe "I am doing things in my life aren't as important as what's happening in your life. I have the right to say what I want to say without question. I know you share something, but honestly I'm more interested in what I shared... what I'm doing... my latest breakthrough or complaint. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount."
  
  
• Destroyer: We believe that if we have a bad experience with a person or a local store, the best way to feel vindicated is to destroy them online. If you have an issue with your family or are trying to win over mutual friends in a dispute you have with another person, make sure everyone hears your point of view.
  
  
• Brazilian: We believe we're culturally unique and people actually want to see the places we've been, the food we've just eaten, and the place we've flushed it all.
  
  
• Lockbox: We believe that if we can get enough people to like/retweet/pin what we say, that we've locked down credibility on what we've said - especially if we can get random friends and strangers to debate with us against any other random friends and strangers who think differently.
  
  
• Pressguy: We believe that if we post enough content about how "those guys are morons" (politics, anyone?) or how amazing our latest breakthrough is we can get more people to see life our way and buy our latest product/service/philosophy.

Here's the punchline... none of this has anything to do with Facebook. All social media does is amplify what's in our hearts. That is ultimately an issue of unaddressed sin - something that every person on the planet is tempted to overlook.

Take a look at the list I created - see if you recognize any patterns in your communication or others. If you find yourself shaking your head, take a second look... which ones are you even unconsciously tempted or bent toward?

Meanwhile, take note that I've ironically used social media to talk about social media. If you've made it thus far, then perhaps you're willing to join me in finding a redemptive purpose for our time online versus ranting and raving about however we're feeling.

Otherwise, how about you just like this, retweet it, and pin it - because "I need more followers."

(Um... not.)

Who can say, “I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin”? (Proverbs 20:9)

fanning the flame

If there was more courting in marriage, there'd be fewer marriages in court. 

The research proves it.

Fan the flame of what God intended a husband and wife to offer one another, and perhaps marriages will become all that we criticize they aren't.

That includes whether you're married or can speak into the lives of others who are... they don't need yet another person riffing on them for "the old ball and chain" - they need a friend who will encourage them to honor their vow "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, to love and to cherish, as long as they both shall live."

"Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband." (Hebrews 13:4a, The Message)

confessions of a pastor - pt 3: my day (and someone's eternity)

I've put off writing this next post due to some tough stuff I've been sorting through. Last week was full of angst, accusations and apathy that was directed at me. It's hard not to take that personally... what someone says they do "in love" often doesn't feel like love. Sometimes it can spill out of you, too, and I didn't want that to influence this. Know what I mean?

A question I'm often asked is what is a typical day like for a pastor?

There's no accurate way to answer that, which is something of an answer in itself. As I just shared, it can be rough - we live in a world where it's easier to criticize  than construct, and if someone is upset with a church a pastor is usually who it gets directed to. On the other side, because I serve God through a church that is made of people on all different schedules, I have to maintain some kind of flexibility in my day and week:

• Meetings could happen during the day or at night.
• I may offend someone if I don't show up for something that is important to them because I have to show up to something that's just a bit more important to someone else.
• Everyone uses a preferred way to reach me - some expect a quick response back by phone if they prefer to call, text if they prefer to text, Twitter if they prefer to Tweet, Facebook if they prefer to write posts or notes, email if they prefer to email, and so on. I have to utilize a smartphone to keep track of it all.
• My wife and kids roll with whatever I tell them is happening in my day, trusting that I won't abuse that but will give them equal time and attention at some point in the day. (I'll write more on that in my next post)
• Someone may get offended, and instead of handling it appropriately vents to others - just to "get some perspective." Suddenly I'm forced to have to clean up a mess that poisons others that could have been avoided if just a bit more maturity and kindness was exercised. 
• There are a group of leaders I am shepherding and looking for ways to give them progressive ownership of roles and projects. Each is at a different spot than another, so I need to read what God is doing in their life to make the best investment.
• Somehow I need to be growing with God underneath it all.

As an example, yesterday:

• 9am: I woke up, not because I'm lazy but because two nights before I was up until 4am on a deadline. The fatigue was still in me.
• 9:30am: I had a meeting for The Big Day of Serving, a national event I'm the point coordinator and team-builder of. we finished around 10:45am.
• 10:45am: I caught up on emails from a dozen people who needed something from me "at that moment." One shared something that could affected their entire household.
• 11:30am: I met with a guy who was seeking some counsel/direction. We had lunch at Fiesta Jalapenos.
• 1pm: I came home, played with my daughter in her toddler world.
• 1:15pm: I sat down to work on my computer and get a project done.
• 1:20pm: I received a call from a neighbor/friend who left his plane tickets at his house, and drove to meet him half-way to Cleveland so he could get his plane tickets and make his flight. 
• 1:45pm: While waiting, I caught up on emails, texts, tweets, notes and voicemails via my phone.
• 1:55pm: Drove back from that drop-off, and turned the radio off. Spent time praying and seeking God on the car ride.
• 3:30pm: I took my youngest son to music lessons, and chatted with one of our Lead Team members who teaches him. I also chatted with a former church attender who had her son there. In the middle of those conversations, I crammed in some work on my laptop in between it all.
• 4pm: Sat down to work on the project I sat down on earlier. Got an email from someone whose marriage is in crisis. Had to defer the project again to focus on what was more important.
• 5pm: Turned the phone off. Ate dinner with the family.
• 5:30pm: Drove my oldest son out to test for his karate belt. I've been in the class as well but couldn't test because I've not had the time to train/prepare for the next belt. I planned to get some work done in the off moments of the class (since I was a spectator), but it didn't feel right - my son needed to know I was watching him, and I had relationships to build in the class.
• 7:40pm: Drove my son home. We talked about everything from karate, God, comic books, the Bible, and more. The phone rang, but I didn't answer it.
• 8:15pm: Had a meeting at the church building with our Resource Team. HOLY CROW - some amazing stuff is happening!
• 10:15pm: Came home... caught up with my wife... glanced my emails... we talked about watching the last twenty minutes of NBC's "The Voice" until I realized we'd already watched it two nights before. 
• 11pm: Responded to two things that needed my attention. I then tabled several to-do list items for Friday and went to bed.

Now... here's the cool part - ALL of that means something. I don't mind a busy day, especially when it's full of purpose. I count it a privilege to be able to invest into my kids and drive them places, as well as to put down a project to help someone with their marriage. It also means something to me when I can look at my wife and kids at the end of a long day and know that we're on the same team.

I might also mention that at the end of the day, I had the chance to read this from someone I met with yesterday: 

So a funny thing happened today..... I walked into a Fiesta Jalapeño’s to have lunch with this guy you may know. He's kind of quirky, but ohhhhh can he speak to you.  I had FB’d him and asked if he’d meet me for lunch and walk with me for an hour or two (metaphorically speaking of course), as I wanted to go on a couple hour journey with him, spiritually.

So I, a stumbling man, whose scripture knowledge is at a level of a 6-year old and whose life seems to be crashing before his eyes, asked him questions I had been pondering over the last few months of my spiritual growth. I told this guy what I'd accomplished so far, what I was doing currently, where I wanted to be and just how hell bent (no pun intended), I was on building a strong spiritual core within myself. 

I spoke to this guy – he listened – he listened well. I exposed some of myself to him – SHAME, HURTS, SINS, IMORRALITY, and more TOXIC SHAME. The more I let spill out the harder it was to hold in. You see the funny thing about TOXIC SHAME is you have to feel it to heal it! 

So this guy just listened and gently pointed me to a spot I needed to be at but just wasn’t finding on my own. You see this guy knew. He knew.

This guy…. you see gave me an AMAZING gift to day. The gift of GOD’s salvation. Right there at a Fiesta Jalapeño’s.  WOW!!! I’m proud to stand up and say, I have turned my life over to Jesus Christ. What a feeling you get on the inside when you receive this gift from the outside.

I want to thank “that guy” – Pastor Tony Myles

Thank you Tony

William

P.S. I heard Tony saves people at all kinds of restaurants, Waffle Houses, Burger Kings…etc  Oh, Dairy Queens too.

Now that's what it's all about. Someone's ETERNITY - not just their life, but what happens after their life here is over - is forever changed because I made myself available and others make that possible by supporting the work of our church financially and prayerfully. Obviously, Jesus does the saving... we just let ourselves be used. But to borrow a phrase from Hannibal Smith (yes, from the A-Team), "I love it when a plan comes together."

Here's another - for me, and for you (because YOU are a minister to someone as well):

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Colossians 3:17).

confessions of a pastor - pt 2: my friendships

At the risk of how this may come across, I'm going to share a link with you: http://everyonescalledtoyouthministry.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/real-stories-from-symc-29/

Admittedly, I was caught off guard reading this. The guy who wrote it is someone I'd consider a growing friend, but I wouldn't have expected such a write-up. Given the fact that I read it on my phone while multi-tasking, I had to stop and let it sink in.

It felt like someone sprayed some Living Water on a part of my inner world that I didn't realize was dry.

What's weird is that I do get encouraging feedback from people and even received a handful of it recently:

• "Keep doing what you do man - the love of God radiates off of you like no one I've ever seen before.  100% genuine.  You have no idea how much people appreciate that genuine quality you have."
  
  
• "Tony, you kick my butt and somehow I find myself thanking you instead of kicking you back."
  
  
• "I just want to truly thank you for all the times you have taken the time to answer me. I know you have so many things that demand your time, like even teaching today. You are doing an awesome job and surely helping many to find Jesus. I hope you always know how much you are doing and giving. God bless."

Huh. "Could be worse," right? I know... I have a phenomenal church around me.

And yet... some days it slides off. It's like I'm trying to hang onto the positive people and words of affirmation, but it slips away right as I try to grab it.

What if the reason the write up I referenced  meant so much is that it came from someone who doesn't live near me, attend my church or demand any responsibility from me due to his needs or our history? Maybe that's why I unconsciously elevated it today over those other compliments from those in my more direct relational circles.

Or maybe it's because I'm constantly taking hits from within my direct relational circles, too... tough stuff that piles up as real/false accusations or fair/unfair burdens. I can become the poster boy for what people are dissatisfied with in their church. If someone offends them, they don't just avoid that person's phone calls... they avoid mine, too. I regularly live in that tension of "So-and-so might flip out over this."

Then there's the aspect of my job that makes things somewhat transactional or service-oriented. As a pastor I know that people are looking for something - perhaps insights, guidance, an example or more. Even when people have offered to be a friend to me, they naturally struggle with not seeing me through the lens of my role. I've had some offer to do that for me and tell me they can be "that friend" who "I can be real with" or who "won't see me as a pastor," but I know better... and they do, too. Let me explain.

Imagine you have a friend who's a plumber. You probably don't think about it when you're hanging out, but when your basement pipes burst your brain can't stop thinking about how your friend is a plumber and may have an insight for you on how to fix your problem. A pastor's role is constantly like that because we're trying to help people follow God in every area of their lives - heart, soul, mind, strength and relationships.

So even if someone believes they can handle me being "simply Tony," I'll still be the plumber/pastor when questions or needs arise.

Again, I'm totally okay with that. It is my joy and privilege... I wouldn't trade it for a million dollar check.

But maybe it helps you to understand it.

One more example... what if I cursed right now? Total profanity, coming out of my mouth. I almost did for shock value - but it's not worth it because some would roll their eyes in disgust that I am setting a bad example. Others would raise their glass and say, "Heck, yeah! That's what I want in a pastor - someone who's not afraid to swear!"

But you see what those both have in common, right? They both factor in that I'm a pastor - even the carefree attitude that celebrates the profanity can't discount who it came out of.

There's one other challenge I face relationally, too. In fact, it's tempting on one end and frustrating on another. While I don't seek or try to manipulate this, if I please someone as a friend they may come to the church I serve and possibly even rally others to become a part of it. In contrast, if I tick someone off, they don't just leave my friendship - they leave the church. If I really tick them off or if they're immature in how they handle it, they may dump it out to others in person or online.

People may be coy about it... they may disguise it with spiritual-sounding words like "God has called me out of the church" or hint about who/what by saying "Some people..." but they'll vent. Or if they like me, they'll tell me how I'm so much better than "Some other pastor..." from their past. I appreciate/need positive feedback, but  have to be careful to not even let compliments sway me (which is why I wrote about this a while back).

And if someone does leave the church, they take their household with them - their kids plucked out of friendships with my kids, their teens plucked out of youth ministries, and their friendships plucked out of others in the church (or, worse - they sway those friendships to feel/think as they do). That affects the Kingdom of God, too... all because of how I might or might not come across. It's just that crazy sometimes. So I do my best to minimize this, not by being fake but by being as proactive as I can in my friendships.

Again, no complaints in comparison to why I'm doing it... just sharing information. It does get to me at times, and I'll write more about that in a few days.

Then again - maybe I am doing more than sharing information. (That's not a hint - I find myself ending this post legitimately wondering that.)

"Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith." (Hebrews 13:7)

a potentially honest look at facebook

An interesting thing about Facebook - we think sharing an update equals being transparent.

Ironically, it couldn't be further from the  truth... just watch what happens when someone pushes back on what you've said or what another person wrote - look at how quickly we call constructive thinking as someone being judgmental, say "You don't understand me! So leave me alone!" or accuse them of being "a hater."

I like Facebook for its potential good, but I do think this graphic says something worth noting:

What do you think? Does being a part of an online social network mean you present a side of yourself to the world but hide the rest? After all, isn't that what most of us do in person?

"There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures."  (James 1:16, The Message)

do you see what I see? who cares?

A friend of mine shared online: "Pointing out someone's flaws doesn't make you any more perfect. I know some people who do this."

People do this for many reasons, but I've learned there are two typical motivations:

1) Insecurity. They reason, "If I can push others down, then I come across as more successful/powerful/better as a person." The problem is this is false logic - exposing other people's flaws may take the spotlight off of yours for a moment, but it doesn't make your flaws disappear. Hence, the cycle continues.

2) Good intentions with bad application. They reason, "We should all be in a better place than we are, so I'll make sure others know what I think they need to be doing." The problem is this is more critical than constructive, but because it starts out with good intentions the person doing it may not see how he/she comes across. Hence, the cycle continues.

The only solution is to receive the genuine grace and genuine holiness of Jesus Christ - not one over the other, but both simultaneously. In this way you will experience unconditional love (so you can give it) and unconditional inspiration (so you can grow). Most of the time critics point out things in other people who haven't asked for it, but this approach makes you the kind of person others want to be like because they see Christ being formed in you - not just you whipping around good standards to impose on others.

This distinct difference can even be overlooked by regular church attenders, which is why we come across as hypocritical to the world. Christianity is surrender to Christ... not just trying to support His standards or be like Him. Many who call themselves Christians try to be what they think God wants them to be... BUT not as many (unfortunately) surrender their whole loves to God - they end up holding areas of their lives back from Him. By keeping that inner world from being transformed, they end up focusing on the "outer world" and try to look the part of a Christian while making sure others look the part, too.

There are a lot of people who are religious and can talk some good "Jesus talk" but haven't yet been born again and transformed. Their blind spot and hurdle is that they think they have.

Jesus often criticized the Pharisees for doing this in His culture. We may not have Pharisees around today, but we sure have those who just ask "What would Jesus do?" and do that alone... so they appear moral. But they don't ask, "God, what am I holding back from You, and how might I give that area over to You,. too? What action step do you want me to sacrificially take next?"

We all need accountability in this. Otherwise we try to be our own eye doctor... with blurry eyes.

No wonder so many of us walk around with "moral glasses" that we've self-prescribed - that only makes everything we see and point out blurry... only we think because we have the glasses on our sight is clearer than anyone else.

And then what happened? Well, when Israel tried to be right with God on her own, pursuing her own self-interest, she didn't succeed. The chosen ones of God were those who let God pursue his interest in them, and as a result received his stamp of legitimacy. The "self-interest Israel" became thick-skinned toward God. Moses and Isaiah both commented on this: Fed up with their quarrelsome, self-centered ways, God blurred their eyes and dulled their ears, Shut them in on themselves in a hall of mirrors, and they're there to this day. David was upset about the same thing: I hope they get sick eating self-serving meals, break a leg walking their self-serving ways. I hope they go blind staring in their mirrors, get ulcers from playing at god. (Romans 11:6-8, The Message)

true transparency

True transparency doesn't need to defend itself - not because we believe we're right, but because we are open to how we might be wrong.

We may believe we're vulnerable because we share vulnerable details about our lives; however, unless you are open to correction such "vulnerability" is only another mask.

Remember this before you complain you're being judged or quickly tell someone, "Don't be a hater." Perhaps what you perceive as a false evaluation is simply something you're too chicken to hear.

(Spoken as one who wrestles with all of this on a daily basis. Let's grow through this together.)

"He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." (Proverbs 15:22)

relational gift-giving ideas

If you're struggling to come up with something meaningful for a Christmas gift, I'd like to share with you some ideas that in some way increase the relational capacity you and another person could share over the course of a year. Some of these work best with your "special someone," while others can be applied to family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and more. I originally shared these on my other blog, but thought I'd post them here, too:

• 104 packets of gourmet hot chocolate with personalized coffee cups: Communicate your desire to catch up together at least once a week.
• Two journals: Each person writes in one for a month, jotting down various things seen in the other person during that time. Take note of any steps of growth they're taking, outstanding qualities, potential blind spots, and so on. At the end of the month, get together over lunch and share.
• Deck of cards and a book about card games: Use it as an excuse to hang out together.
• Collage of special photos: Highlight your favorite memories together.
• Bottle of sparkling cider in a picnic basket filled with wrapped deli cheese and fruit: Make plans to have a picnic together in the next week, even if it's inside.
• Disposable camera: Devote it for the sole use of capturing future memories together.
• Craft supplies: Do something creative together.
• Gardening gloves with a plant or flower seeds: Work on a garden together.
• Bread or cookie mix: Take turns making each other a round every couple of weeks, or bake together and deliver these treats to friends, family or neighbors.
• Gourmet popcorn and movie rental gift certificates: Have a movie night every week for a month.
• Famous BBQ sauce with basting brush: Plan a night to grill out and invite new friends into your relational circle.
• Pancake or waffle mix with bottle of real maple syrup: Start the day off together with a sweet taste in your mouth.
• Movie theater gift certificates: Take turns picking movies to see together - no complaints.
• Board games: Pick selections that can draw all ages in your household(s) together.
• Identical books: Shop for cheap selections that you can read through together.
• Kitchen gadgets: Find recipes that force you to use them and cook for each other.
• Two watches: Pray for each other when the alarm goes off.
• Colorful Post-It notepads: Give each other permission to leave encouraging notes in unexpected places.
• Puzzles: Assemble them together over dessert.
• Pizza and football: Give a coupon/gift card for a favorite pizza chain or snack food with an invitation to a Monday Night Football party.
• Hobby supplies: Buy an item from a hobby they love (a bat, ice skates, tennis balls, etc) and give the gift with an invitation to GO DO that activity.
• Cheap sleds and hot cider packets: Promise to go sledding together anytime there’s more than 3 inches of snow.
• Washable window paint: Use it all year to write encouraging or funny messages to people who pass by.
• Bowl and notecards: Create a "prayer bowl" where you and your family write down prayer requests and praises you pray over at dinner.
• Family journal: Use it so anyone in the household can record and recall blessings.
• “Mad Skillz” certificate: Give certificates for something you're good at, such as "Free Oil Change" or "Free Full Meal," it to bless them.
• Coupon book: Bind some note-cards full of relationship-appropriate coupons, such as "I will mow the yard" or “I will cook dinner.”
• Child care punch-card: Create a punch-card for someone with kids that covers ten free nights of deluxe babysitting. Bring a full spread of activities and age-appropriate games so the kids actually want you to come back.

Got any more?

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?” -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39)

dealing with rejection - pt 2

If by chance you experience tension and rejection from another person or group, you're in good company.

Jesus knows how you feel.

But again, don't stop there and ignore one of the most often ignored commands from God from Matthew 18 - reconcile and forgive. Failing to do so affects people around you and makes the relationship never really feel healed.

Consider what happened to Christ after He challenged His disciples to accept all of the commands He was teaching... to completely consume Him in every way possible, even if it meant the kind of flesh and blood kind of obedience that meant doing healthy things that felt harder than you could imagine.

On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)

For all the theology in this verse, there's something emotional happening here we may skip over. How might Jesus have felt when people He cared about - faces He knew, and stories He tracked - said, "I'm not comfortable with You or what You're about. Don't look me up anymore, understand?"

The easiest metaphor for me (perhaps because of what I do) is to imagine this was a church. Perhaps the person might say to Jesus, "Your style of ministry isn't meeting my needs. I think I'm going to go somewhere else where I can be fed like I am comfortable being fed. I'll see you when I see you. Cool?"

That has to hurt. In fact, I know it does.

There are instances in the Bible where people part ways, but it's clear that God ideal is that wouldn't happen. So what happens when you deal with some kind of rejection? According to this passage, we see a few things happening here in Jesus' own heart:

• Grieve: This may seem like an odd step, but it need to be stated. Jesus demonstrates it near the end... there is clearly something emotional happening in His heart, whether it's the acknowledgement of potential loss or an actual moving moment.
  
  Grieving allows you to spend some time just processing your feelings, and helps you make sure you don't prematurely react out of your initial hurt. But be careful - there does come a point when a lot of people who say "I just need some space" end up using that space to flee from tension instead of pause and move back toward the relationship. So grieve... but don't expect every tear to be wiped away before you reconcile - just let the largest ones dry up a bit.

• Stay strong: I admire how Jesus doesn't flinch on doing the right thing here. Even with all the pushback, He knows that Truth is Truth and can't be compromised. If you're waiting on someone who's rejected you or won't reconcile, stay mature and steadfast about these values that may not be popular, but are right and true.
  
  Jesus says in verse 38, “I have come to do the will of God who sent me, not what I want.” There’s a lot of pressure in trying to please everyone. As the crowd grows, there will be more voices clamoring for your attention and potentially becoming offended if you don’t play their hand. One is a much less stressful number.
   
• Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open. Christ does that here, even though people walk away from Him versus toward Him.
  
  
• Be secure in the Father's Love: There was never any doubt in Jesus' mind about whether or not the Father loved him. The echo of the words of his baptism,“This is my son, and I am really pleased with him,” can’t be underestimated.
  
  
• Journey with those around you who haven't left: Sometimes when I am hurting to work something out with someone else, I forget to invest in the relationships in front of me. Even Jesus didn’t go at it alone. In response to his question, Peter says, “Where are we going to go? You have the words of life.”
  
  You need people like that. “I’ve got your back” type of people. Some  may even tell you what you don't want to hear, but listen - for such "wounds" from a friend can be trusted.

dealing with rejection - pt 1

Sometimes you just don't get along with other people. Sometimes people reject you.

Crazy, isn't it?

You may be around them this next week at a Christmas party, and those extended family members, friends, or co-workers may flash a smile while they plot their next jab. You may encounter them in the neighborhood because they have different opinions than you do about exterior aesthetics or interior household dynamics. Or it may be people you once were in connection with would rather be disconnected from you.

When my kids have a problem with each other, I tell them to work it out. It's a basic principle... "We're family, and while you may be mad or disagree with each other your relationship is intended for health. So slow down and go work it out. That's who we are, and that's what we do."

As their father, that's my plan for them - and it pleases me when they live it out. I also take action and appropriately discipline them when they don't.

Kind of like how God, our Father, says the same, feels the same and does the same. In fact, Jesus once said through a parable in Matthew 18 that the measure by which we reconcile or don't reconcile will be applied to us.

Have you ever considered any of this when you know you should work out something with another person and refuse to or give up? 

We're not just pushing away a person because we're "tired" of working on something - we're rejecting a command from our Father.

We're pushing back on our Father.

It's ironic how adults seem to ignore this principle more than we encourage kids to follow it. I am constantly amazed at how there are so many commands and teachings of God we accept, but when it comes to working things out with another person we opt for the world's method to "agree to disagree."

The Bible contains only a few instances where people of God part ways, and even these are descriptions of what happened to them and not intended prescriptions for us. It's clear all throughout Scripture that God's ideal is for people to work things out - so what happens when you deal with some kind of tension or rejection?

• Seek God: Don't ask others for advice or follow your gut. Seek first God and His Kingdom by reading one of the most ignored passages by Christians: Matthew 18:13-35. Then follow it in the spirit of Proverbs 3:5-6.
   
• Reach out: You may be rejected from the other end, from unreturned phone calls to unanswered correspondence. Do the right thing even if it's one-way - reach out and keep the door open.
   
• Trust in God’s sovereignty: According to Romans 8:28, God can weave anything into a plan that serves His best interest and your good. So basically God’s got your back... and while you can't control what the other person is doing, you can trust that the Lord is working on their heart. What else do you really need?

If you're willing to work at it this, sin doesn't have to have the final word. It may feel like it now, especially if the other person isn't responding. Hang in there.

Remember, Christmas is about God coming near... so don't pull back. Instead, take a cue from Jesus who came to bless those who would curse Him and move toward the person you have tension with - even yet another step - until you're past the high winds of the tornado and in the center where you can find peace.

And if by chance you're the one who won't work things out, the Father does care. Don't be surprised if He disciplines you... be it a "time out" or a "spanking" in some area of life. Why not instead honor Him right now and sit down with a fellow family member whom you have had tension with?

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight."

I have at least one more thought on this. Look for Pt 2 tomorrow.

what a bunch of fools, right?

First, pick your favorite demeaning word: "Fools," "Idiots," "Morons," "Control freak," and so forth.

Second, apply it to someone who frustrates you: A political party, a church or church leader, a business who let you down, etc

This is how we normally vent our frustration out against people and organizations; however, might there be something to consider about it?

Read these words via an interview with Francis Chan, and apply them:

Jesus threatens hell to those who curse their brother (Matt. 5:22). He's not warning drinkers, smokers or murderers. Jesus preaches hellfire against those who have the audacity to attack a fellow human being with harsh words. 

It's ironic—frightening, actually—that some people have written books, preached sermons or written blog posts about hell and missed this point completely. In fact, some people have slammed their Christian brothers and sisters in the process, simply because they have a different view of hell, missing the purpose of Matthew 5: "Whoever calls his brother a fool may find himself guilty of hell." 

Have you called your brother a fool lately? On a blog? On Facebook? Have you tweeted anything of the sort? So often, these hell passages become fodder for debate, and people miss the point of the warning. Jesus didn't speak of hell so we could study, debate and write books about it. He gave us these passages so we would live holy lives. 

Stop slandering one another, and live in peace and brotherly unity. Jesus evidently hates it when we tear into our brothers or sisters with demeaning words, words that fail to honor the people around us as the beautiful image-bearing creatures that they are.

speaking about not speaking

"I'm sorry. We had a disagreement and both of us made a bigger deal out of it than we should have. I know you've been waiting for me to make the first move, and I've waited for you. But instead of the tension, I want healing and will work for it. Our relationship is too important to play guessing games. So whether or not you want to work on this or even see a problem, I want you to know I do and I'm not going anywhere. I'm giving you the gift of choosing to not hold any of the past into our future together. The door is open and will stay open - let me know what you think our next step is. I want to take it with you."

Feel free to use that with "you know who" in a phone call, email, text, or Facebook note. Your pick.

"Forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35b)